ANNOUNCEMENT: "THE JOURNEY OF YUKI" CHAPTER IS NOW OFFICIALLY CLOSED.

All the posts here will be maintained for future reference and reading.

Some will be reposted on Yuki's new blogsite (see link below).

Big thanks to all my friends and fans from all over the world.

For the fresh continuation of the journeys, please go to www.yukishock.blogspot.com .

Regards, Yuki Choe. : )

Announcements: Death Of Yuki.

I am in Thailand now, a few days shy of my SRS. This is my 100th post ironically. And this may be my last. My husband had sent an e-mail requesting my operation to be cancelled. I do not know how to feel now. Should I laugh? Should I cry? I really feel like jumping in front of my bus here and just end it at the worse. Or I may just work here as a cheap showgirl, or return back to Malaysia and cut my hair. In any other case, my life would never be the same again. Never ever.

I just say I hope he can spare me something for my lawyer fees but a simple solution like asking me to move to a cheaper area is beyond him. Instead he feels ending my life is the best one. I have my plans. I got a job waiting for me end of September. I have made arrangements to settle my financial crisis. But all these is to no avail. Now I have to go back and say I cannot work. I probably would lose my car and room. And worse, I had lost my husband at once. And I lost me.

I do not think I can bring myself to face me in the mirror anymore. So I bid all of you, farewell. To everyone, thank you for sharing my journey all alond. Take care LGBTs, wherever you are.


Update 26/6/08:

The verdict for the SRS is a postponement. As after the grace I extended to my husband is met with a heart of stone, so is our marriage. He has hurt me by throwing every excuse and reason to end our relationship. Baseless accusations of abuse, cheating, and innability to 'afford' me has placed our relationship on the grave. Even if he changes his mind today and I proceed with the SRS, I must admit that my heart is left with no more love to give him for hurting me this way.

All my plans to give my husband the ultimate bitch on Christmas eve period seems like a foolish girl's child's play now. Perhaps it is the immaturity of my imagination of wanting to fabricate such illusion that my husband would appreciate it. And with my SRS postponed, I must go back to the nightmare of starting back where I started before when I came out for good early 2006.

My fairy tale ending is gone. My prince charming will never rescue me and this transsexual female will never be secure and safe in female flesh. It is time to chart my own course of life.

Breaking News: More Evidence On Biological Causes Of Homosexuality Found.

As all the ex-gay ministries parade their scientifically discredited causation theories on homosexuality, more scientific evidence on the innateness of homosexuality have been discovered. So with more truth on homosexuality coming out, perhaps it is high time ex-gay ministries admit the obvious before more people realise about the ex-gay myth: It is all lies.

Source: NewScientist

Brain scans have provided the most compelling evidence yet that being gay or straight is a biologically fixed trait. (emphasis added)

The scans reveal that in gay people, key structures of the brain governing emotion, mood, anxiety and aggressiveness resemble those in straight people of the opposite sex.

The differences are likely to have been forged in the womb or in early infancy, says Ivanka Savic, who conducted the study at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden.

"This is the most robust measure so far of cerebral differences between homosexual and heterosexual subjects," she says.

Previous studies have also shown differences in brain architecture and activity between gay and straight people, but most relied on people's responses to sexuality driven cues that could have been learned, such as rating the attractiveness of male or female faces.

Brain symmetry
To get round this, Savic and her colleague, Per Lindström, chose to measure brain parameters likely to have been fixed at birth.

"That was the whole point of the study, to show parameters that differ, but which couldn't be altered by learning or cognitive processes," says Savic.

First they used MRI scans to find out the overall volume and shapes of brains in a group of 90 volunteers consisting of 25 heterosexuals and 20 homosexuals of each gender.

The results showed that straight men had asymmetric brains, with the right
hemisphere slightly larger – and the gay women also had this asymmetry. Gay men,
meanwhile, had symmetrical brains like those of straight women.

The team next used PET scans to measure blood flow to the amygdala, part of the brain that governs fear and aggression. The images revealed how the amygdala connected to other parts of the brain, giving clues to how this might influence behaviour.

Depression link
They found that the patterns of connectivity in gay men matched those of straight women, and vice versa (see image, above right). In straight women and gay men, the connections were mainly into regions of the brain that manifest fear as intense anxiety.

"The regions involved in phobia, anxiety and depression overlap with the pattern we see from the amygdala," says Savic.

This is significant, she says, and fits with data showing that women are three times as likely as men to suffer from mood disorders or depression. Gay men have higher rates of depression too, she says, but it's difficult to know whether this is down to biology, homophobia or simply feelings of being "different".

In straight men and lesbians, the amygdala fed its signals mainly into the sensorimotor cortex and the striatum, regions of the brain that trigger the "fight or flight" response. "It's a more action-related response than in women," says Savic.

'Striking differences'
"This study demonstrates that homosexuals of both sexes show strong cross-sex shifts in brain symmetry," says Qazi Rahman, a leading researcher on sexual orientation at Queen Mary college, University of London, UK.

"The connectivity differences reported in the amygdala are striking."

"Paradoxically, it's more informative to look at things that have no direct connection with sexual orientation, and that's where this study scores," says Simon LeVay, a prominent US author who in 1991 reported finding differences (pdf) in a part of the brain called the hypothalamus between straight and gay men.

But as Savic herself acknowledges, the study can't say whether the brain differences are inherited, or result from abnormally high or low exposure in the womb to sex hormones such as testosterone.

Journal reference: Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (DOI:
10.1073/pnas.0801566105)

Yuki's Thoughts:

I guess even when the dusk is settled, with more and more truths about homosexuality coming up, we would still hear more wacky ideas from ex-gays. But instead of simply admitting the ridiculous theories of distant fathers and overbearing mothers (and crossdressed by mother ala Edmund Smith); we would instead face up to more imposement of personal evaluation of values upon us, as stupid as their 'traditional values' sound. They would probably ask questions such as - can this be prevented during pregnancy? Ignorance AND Intolerance is bliss.

Yuki's Choice Reading:

Coverage and comments on this groundbreaking story also available on:

America's Box Turtle Bulletin and Asia's Fridae

Singapore Censors Healthy Same-Sex Depictions In Media.

Singapore, known for its glamorous first world city lifestyle displays third world mentality in the guise of the Media Development Authority (MDA), the country's primary moral guardian over presentation of arts and media in the republic. Earlier this decade, depictions of LGBT as a natural progression of society were banned or censored by the MDA from any arts and media broadcast within its jurisdiction.

Taiwan's highest grossing movie of 2004 “Formula 17”, a gay themed romantic comedy was banned from Singapore screenings for its potrayal of a “homosexual utopia, where everyone, including passersby, is homosexual and no ills or problems are reflected”. This starts a sad premise where true positive lives of LGBTs in the world today are considered unfit to be discussed and should be removed from existence.

The mantra supposedly changed in 2006 when the MDA chose to relax on its censorship in order to market itself as a arts and media centre for the region. This move allows top LGBT movies being shown uncut such as "Brokeback Mountain" and "Transamerica" in 2006. As recent as last year however, the MDA decided to grow a branch a year back in time.

A two-week exhibition of 80 same-sex kissing photos was cancelled after the MDA rejected the license on the grounds of “promoting the homosexual lifestyle” late last year. Early this year, part of the Oscar award acceptance speech by director Cynthia Wade for her documentary "Freeheld" was censored on its repeated broadcast because of its mention of equal rights for same-sex attracted individuals. Then the high profile LGBT documentary “A Jihad For Love” was also banned from public viewing.

From strictness, MDA then shows its absurdity, when they recently fined StarHub Cable Vision $10,000 Singaporean dollars for airing a commercial presenting a new song by artiste Olivia Yan called “Silly Child” which depicts two lesbians innocently kissing. The statement by the MDA reads:

Quote:

The commercial which was to promote a song by the singer, 阎韦伶(Olivia), was aired on MTV Mandarin Channel on 26 and 28 November 2007. Within the commercial, romanticised scenes of two girls kissing were shown and it portrayed the relationship as acceptable. This is in breach of the TV advertising guidelines, which disallows advertisements that condone homosexuality.

MDA also consulted the Advisory Committee for Chinese Programmes and the Committee concurred that the commercial had promoted lesbianism as acceptable and romantic, especially when shown together with the lyrics featured.

In that same month, MDA fined MediaCorp TV Channel 5 $15,000 Singapore dollars for airing a home improvement show called "Find and Design" that featured a gay couple who wants to renovate their game room into a nursery for their baby. The MDA statement here reads:

Quote:

The programme "Find and Design" is a home and decor series and in the episode concerned, the host helps a gay couple to transform their game room into a new nursery for their adopted baby. The episode contained several scenes of the gay couple with their baby as well as the presenter's congratulations and acknowledgement of them as a family unit in a way which normalises their gay lifestyle and unconventional family setup. This is in breach of the Free-to-Air TV Programme Code which disallows programmes that promote, justify or glamourise gay lifestyles.

MDA also consulted the Programme Advisory Committee for English Programmes (PACE) and the Committee was also of the view that a gay relationship should not be presented as an acceptable family unit. As the programme was shown on a Sunday morning, PACE felt that this was inappropriate as such a timeslot was within family viewing hours.

This two cases shows a blatant lack of knowledge and understanding of the homosexual condition as a sexual orientation by a shallow media guardian. It is deeply regretful for the LGBT community in Singapore who is still trying to find an illusive dignified social position in the republic, to be swept under the carpet by governmental agencies such as the MDA. Media is supposed to represent truth, and recent events portray the MDA as unable to accept and realise the unsurmountable truth: that homosexuals are normal human beings and exist in equivalence to any heterosexual conditions.

The Singapore MDA sent a loud and clear message to the world; any representation of homosexuals as sensitive individuals capable of love or as a capable well-adjusted family unit is not to be tolerated. Ignorance to the existence of gays and lesbians as ordinary human beings is to be educated. And self-praising in the form of a rap video is the way to go while the artistry and talent of LGBT is to be shipped to Australia. Interesting step backward indeed, for an agency bent on proving their nation's worth as a international media hub.

The Musing.

Recently I am struggling to maintain my blogs recently. There actually has been a lot of stuff to write about, but just could not find the time to write it as my commitments as writer to Ex-Gay Watch and getting myself in shape for my Sex-Reassignment Surgery. And hanging around in a cyber cafe is quite costly. Quashing some Malaysian Ex-Gay myths had been exceptionally easy especially when most of the views are too dogmatic and ridiculous to swallow by any mature thinking people. And being a lone interested writer in this issue also had its drawbacks, you get bored repeating yourself.

There is also the difficulty of interest. When the International Day Against Homophobia was announced, everywhere else in the world except Asia remembers the dead, respects the day, ponders over any chances of hate crime laws being created and passed, passionate about educating the general public about the ill-conceptions of society in regards to homosexuality and transgenderism and so forth. The PT Foundation is holding a fund-raising party this weekend for it.

Yes, PARTY. Everyone in Asia do not want to hear about the bullying, the murders, the dead. It is like the HIV/AIDS issue. The thinking here is, it is none of my business or it could never happen to me. No one here is fighting for any rights. In fact, as a single personal blog owner I was able to reach out to an audience Edmund Smith (RLM) and his sister would envy, and it is just because people are curious about me as a transsexual and interested with the scientific truths and facts I presented. Otherwise, most of this country, whether straight or gay, could not be bothered about us.

Whether on this side as a professional writer and TS advocate, or on that side an amateur unlicensed therapist and an aspiring singer; we both have an audience. And fortunately for me, my audience are intelligent enough to see through the lies and ultra-nonsensical musings of places like RLM to the point they tell me: WE KNOW! Anything new you want to share with us, like maybe Edmund is spotted cruising in a gay bar or something, then tell us! But alas, the international audience are still curious to know about the RLM's wacky world. As such, I no longer write about them in this blog.

From maintaining a blog to advocacy work to dispelling ex-gay myth, there is plenty to write about as all can see. But sometimes you just need the time. I am still having some ideas for the latest movie review on “Iron Man”, but unfortunately the movie is still on screen. As you all know from my last movie review, spoilers are really proudly on display! Then there is the edition of Yuki's Funnies. There is the Top 10 Ex-Gay Excuses On Why A Person Is Gay, which of course includes Melvin Wong's boy got sexually abused and Edmund Smith's boy got cross dressed by mother.

If only I have the time to write all these great stuff. But my SRS being just one month and a bit more away, I really do not know how. I am also struggling to finish my personal Thai lessons at home and I am not in a decent weight yet. Perhaps I should ask for some tips from my sister Grog from “The Cracked Crystal Ball II” who seems to be blogging everyday! And all her posts are so strong in content and opinions I really wonder how she did it. Another is Cracker Lilo from “Cracker Lilo's Front Porch”. She is so deep into words, and there is so much variety and content.

Perhaps the greatest one of them all I consider would be Peterson Toscano's blog “Peterson Toscano's A Musing". Please remember this fine handsome gentleman with the ability to make you laugh especially on your ex-gay struggles; travels a lot (sometimes overseas) for shows and interviews and seminars, and I believe his appointment calender is probably full. But he still finds the time to blog at least almost everyday. Unbelievable. And while I have to slowly maintain my English to respectable degree, Peterson seems to already have gift in writing as well as in speaking.

Oh, before I forget, do read his latest post “Diverse Approaches Reveal Complexity of Ex-Gay World”. It is one of my favourites, exploring just how big a fallacy ex-gay ministries are when you really take a closer look. And yes, I do still manage to find some time to read blogs. As well as you can see now I am squeezing some time to announce to you all that: Hey, I am still alive. God bless everyone. Anyway, I have to go for my dinner now. Got some things to do tomorrow morning, then in the evening I have a seminar to catch. Yep, busy lady I am. But of course, I will be back. : )

Dr. Andrea Macari On The Ex-Gay Myth.

"Reparative pseudo-therapy (ex-gay ministries) is based on no science whatsoever", says Dr. Andrea Macari, a leading authorative source in psychology.



"It is essential that if you are gay, you go to a therapist who is trained in dealing with these types of issues, who has a clear understanding of where they stand when it comes to issues of sexual orientation. Otherwise you have the person's own stigma, own prejudices, coming in the way of your therapy and that is the last thing you want to do."

Question and Think next time you plan to bring someone (or someone asks you) to go to an ex-gay ministry or a reparative therapist.

Which is myth and which is truth? Just one example will do.

The American Academy of Pediatrics
The American Counseling Association
The American Psychiatric Association
The American Psychological Association
The National Association of School Psychologists
The National Association of Social Workers
and others:

"477,000 health and mental health professionals, have all taken the position that homosexuality is not a mental disorder, and thus there is no need for a “cure.” "

"the idea that homosexuality is a mental disorder, or that the emergence of same-gender sexual desires among some adolescents is in any way abnormal or mentally unhealthy, has no support among health and mental health professional organizations."

This is the current medical and scientific psychological opinion.

Ex-gay ministries would have you believe that this is created by a pro-gay "agenda". It is so easy to believe them if you share their dogmatic musings and shallow minds.

But think for a moment, would it be much easier for about 95% of the heterosexual population of the world to pressure these medical professionals to change the stance?

Even the 35% percent of the Christian population of the world could do that, right?

But no, there is no "agenda" that created such strong stance from these experts of their field; it is born of decades of pure peer reviewed research and studies. Even the 1,000 plus NARTH tried to change this last year by annoying the American Psychological Association (APA) but unfortunately they would not budge.

Because everyone now knows this is the TRUTH.

"As these statements make clear, health and mental health professional organizations do not support efforts to change young people’s sexual orientation through “reparative therapy” and have raised serious concerns about its potential to do harm."

Check out stories on Beyond Ex-Gay on those who have gone through ex-gay ministries and other reparative therapy methods and survived the experience. Some are even the former leaders of such ministries in the past, but had made public apologies since. Maybe it is time for the current leaders to admit their white lies.

The Growing.

Roy Schneider had recently passed away. Back when I was just a kid I felt he was awesome. The way he battles the man-eating shark in “Jaws” / “Jaws 2” and the style when he pilots the legendary helicopter “Blue Thunder”. He was one of the few men I would love to be with when I grow up. Any girl would have the sense of security in his sensitive but strong demeanor. Any women would be proud to have this rogue, simple but intelligent reactions to circumstances as depicted in movies he was involved in. He is 75 years old this year. But the memories of his acting career lives on.

For the past few years, I had seen many people I admired all throughout the world pass away. Lydia Shum being one example, the Hong Kong actress whom I grew up with watching “It's A Mad, Mad World”. It gave me the stark realization that these figures died at an old age, all over 60. When I was watching “Blue Thunder”, Roy Schneider and Lydia Shum were only in their 50s and 40s respectively. It also made me realize how old I was then, I was barely 10. Here at the age of 32, I am coming to terms with my growing up and reaching the probable halfway mark of my life now.

When I was in my teens, Captain Steve Bruce, Mr. Reliable Denis Irwin, Bryan Robson, Andrei Kanchelskis, Brian McClair and Mark Hughes were my football idols in the super team line-up of Manchester United I supported then by the turn of the 90s. Those days they were like a set of much older brothers, hitting the ball all over the place between the old English Division One till the days of the inaugural English Premier League. I still remember how Sir Alex Ferguson nearly got sacked, how young he looked then, players he bought and players he sacked. Yes, he was young.

In the mid 90's when I reached my young adulthood, and grew up together with players my age, the five England lions; Nicky Butt, Gary and Phil Neville, David Beckham, Paul Scholes. And another a year older, Ryan Giggs. All under the tutorship of the big brother Eric Cantona. Those were an exciting period, reaching up to the peak of the Champions' League, English Premier League and FA Cup treble at 1999 before the turn of the century. I stress again, they were around my age. Those were the days of inspiration. Now all but Scholes of the England five lions remain in Manchester.

Ryan Giggs, the most decorated player in the history of the Premier League, is now toiling going to his mid thirties. And now, I am supporting kids. Yes, no kidding. From the days when Sir Alex Ferguson took over from Ron Atkinson starting 1986, I was supporting some men old enough to be my father, then grew up with those my age in the 90s. Now I am excited in the prospects of Luis Nani (22) and Ronaldo (23). If football (or soccer in the US) were to be my benchmark, then I have indeed grown 22 football years as a Manchester United supporter. And how time flies, mind you.

And suddenly it dawned to me how the years have gone by so fast. From a insecure female soul living in a boy shell, to a blossoming lady now married to a rugged but kind Australian. From sitting in an old Volkswagen beside my dad I am now driving a humble Proton Wira. From a virgin, I do not remember how many men or women I had been with. From writing for the old Malaysian post newspaper I am now writing on my own blogsite here and the international Ex-Gay Watch. From the ugly pimple faced boy who was branded gay, I am now recognized as an attractive lady.

I am no longer too shy to defend myself against verbal and physical attacks by people. I am not longer afraid of prejudice and discrimination by churches and society. I am no longer the person to be manipulated and shaped according to what people want me to be. And most importantly, in a couple of months time, I am no longer bearing the pain of having something that had caused so much suffering in my life prior to my 30s. In fact, I realized I only truly began to grow up only once I had known how to deal with Gender Identity Disorder. Result? I am a much happier person now.

Though I am sad the years gone by in which I could have done something to prevent being defined by how people viewed me, I am at least now back on the right track. It is better to wake up now then some transsexuals who are well into their 40s right? Though I am regretful to have the peak of my transition with SRS only in my 30s and not 20s, but I do know many are not as fortunate as me to be able to do it even now, and it is all thanks to my husband. I do not know what the future would bring on to me, but I have survived thus far. I guess I am ready for more of what life has to offer.