The Changes.

I had not written much lately, but yet I thank you all for still supporting my blog. Many were reading into my past articles. I guess I had really written a lot. But I am flattered that there are still some of you out there that cared about what was going on in my life. The response for my articles for Ex-Gay Watch from the Asian region is also encouraging. I apologize for not being able to share much for the past ten days; I am now in the midst of recovering from being used by a person who in the end never treated me as a sister, and reflecting on the soon upcoming changes in my life.

Losing my sister is probably one of the signs of changes in my life. Just barely two weeks ago, we were still joking around my ex-employer's office. We were still planning what to do with her wedding. One of our colleagues we were very close to was leaving, and at the last day of his work we all had a nice steamboat dinner together. I missed the second round of their party in a Karaoke centre, but being ill means I really wish I were to be home. Then barely few days later, she ran away and possibly will never come back into our lives. Suddenly, I no longer have a family here.

The knowledge that she cheated all of us was unbearable for the four of us; the fiancee, my ex-boss, our one good friend and me were unwilling victims to an illusion of an pitiful angel she created for us to see. Having loved her and cared for her unconditionally, it was disappointing for her to have used all of us. She is in the end selfish, and her decision will bear consequences for herself while we all get on with our lives. It would take some getting used to, suddenly not having someone I had treated with so much love and dignity, but I do know some friendships just do not last till old age.

I will be leaving Malaysia to Australia and stay there for an unknown period of time, perhaps years with my husband. I admitted to my husband that I found Australia unbearable because I missed Malaysia. Both have its good points and bad points, but the crux of the matter is that I am so used to the Malaysian environment. The roads, the shops, the shopping complexes and mostly the food. In my commitment to be with my husband, I am resigned to another different culture; one I hope I am able to adapt to. It would be so different, so quiet. But with a promise of a tolerant and nice society.

My husband has planned a move to Perth, and with it the weather should be more bearable than my days at Darwin. I am really seriously moving into an environment I know nothing about, especially barely knowing my husband. But seeing how well he treated me for the past months I am back in Malaysia seems to justify he is indeed trustworthy. And his strive to give me a better future makes me appreciate him even more. I do not know what would happen in the coming years of my life with him, but I do know very well whatever happens I am going to stick around as his best friend.

I am looking forward for my SRS. But of course, I do have thoughts on how I would feel after the surgery. Like a finger that is cancerous and needs to be cut off, my penis had been with me for 32 years. It needs to be off me, but no doubt I will miss it. I will miss my silly antics with it, including trying to remove it with my drawer back when I was a child. I will miss adjusting it so it seems inexistent every time I put on my clothes. In fact, I will miss the shame I had of having it. I was grossly insulted by it. I feel it was on my way of wearing a bikini set. I am going to miss killing it.

There is also a move on the way I live my life. I am now spending more time at home in my room. I have turned into a homegirl. I seldom go out to drink. Though the past week I drank a lot in depression because of my godsister's out-of-my-life experience, I do not enjoy alcoholic drinks like I used to. In fact, in the past month I mostly feel lazy to go out, and resigned myself on the comfort of a sofa and watching my favourite shows such as “House” and all the “Crime Scene Investigation” episodes from Las Vegas to Miami. I am becoming quite a couch potato these days.

I know the hurt of losing my sister will die off in time. I guess since there are going to be so many changes in my life soon in terms of body, country, culture, environment and lifestyle there is too many things on my mind right now. With it, a continuous learning process on how to be a better writer. I do wish to be a Yoga and Pilates specialist, and aspire to be a trainer one day. I really am in a fix on what the future brings soon for this stranger going to a strange land. But somehow I know I had gone through worse in my life. Things still should pick up in my life. After all, life is beautiful.

Nong Tum.

This post is dedicated to a fiery lady that needs no introduction, an ode to a transsexual female who leads by example to never let anyone intimidate her.

She is Parinya Kiatbusaba (or Parinya Charoenphol), better known to all of us as Nong Tum.


In one of her most notable fights >.








In her final fight. In the movie 'Beautiful Boxer', it is mentioned that it is after this fight in which she is starting to feel conflicted with her love for Muay Thai, her treatment by fight organizers as a circus show and her wanting to be her true girl self. It was then she withdrew from the sport under pressure from Muay Thai traditions of not allowing females to fight and complete her SRS.




The trailer for the movie "Beautiful Boxer". The movie won tons of allocades including Best Actor at the Thai Academy Awards for Asanee Suwan who played Nong Tum, and several other international awards such as:

- Torino International Gay & Lesbian Film Festival – Best Feature Film, winner (2004)

- Thailand National Film Association Awards – Best Actor Asanee Suwan, winner; Best Makeup Kraisorn Sampethchareon, winner (2004)

- San Sebastián International Film Festival – Sebastian Award, winner (2004)

- Milan International Lesbian and Gay Film Festival – Best Film, winner (2004)

- Outfest Achievement Award – Outstanding Emerging Talent, Ekachai Uekrongtham (2004)

- GLAAD Media Awards – Outstanding Film Limited Release, nominated (2006)

Nong Tum makes a special guest appearance in this movie as a beauty therapist, and Nong Tum's last opponent Kyoko Inoue plays herself, re-enecting the final fight in the movie.




Some photos of Nong Tum then and now here:


Yuki's Choice Reading:

Nong Tum On National Geographic.
Nong Tum's profile in Wikipedia.

Of Transsexuals, Transvestites and Transgenders.

It was loathsome. Two transvestites humiliated themselves doing a ridiculous sexy dance in a show of feigned ‘feminity’ in order to get into the finals of the Miss Say Yes annual ‘pageant’. I am one of the contestants for this week’s heat at the request of my friend who was PR manager at the place. But the applauses were given more to the transvestite contestants for making a fool of themselves then the serious transsexual contenders.

I am very tempted to withdraw from this show of utter drag flamboyance, but for my friend’s plea. It is not that I am in any way intolerant of transvestites (cross dressers, drags alike) but I am starting to feel the serious implications of lumping both transsexuals and transvestites, two totally different sets of people into one label we call transgenders; especially in a society that already finds it hard to differentiate between the two subsets.

I recently chatted online with Marti of Transadvocate.com; and I told her that I completely support total separation between transsexuals and transvestites, but I also shared to her that as not one transvestite can judge transsexuals like me for wanting the surgery, we transsexuals cannot judge transvestites for wanting to cross-dress as women even thought they identity as men. A pot and a kettle still belong in the kitchen I told her.

Getting a layman to understand the differences is already difficult. Then, battle lines were drawn for the past few months within the transsexual groups, when transsexuals who do not wish to associate with then term transgender starts to condemn those transsexuals who are comfortable with the term. They are called Women Born Transsexuals (WBT). Confused? I too when they went on to attack transsexuals who chose not to go for SRS.

Now I believe everyone has the right for self-determination and interpreting the Harry Benjamin Syndrome and Standards Of Care. But to use it in order to justify bigotry against transsexual sisters by calling them men in women dresses is also uncalled for. A transsexual is a transsexual is a transsexual. A lot of transsexuals cannot undergo SRS because of religion. If they do so they would be flogged, jailed or even killed in prison.

So how do we define “men in dresses”? I apologize, but let me tell you something. I am not a transvestite, I know I am a girl born with an abnormal mutation, but I have friends who are transvestites. They will willingly admit to everyone they are men and just like to cross-dress. Just like a lot of my tomboy friends would tell you they are still comfortable females. I am a pre-op transsexual, and that certainly does not make me a transvestite.

In any case, it would not even matter soon because I am going for SRS in June, so not one WBT would have anything on me because I would had, in their terms, being ‘born’ a transsexual. Which for me is still not accurate. I am born an incomplete girl. But going to be a lady. So there needs to be clarity here. A transsexual may not have an operation but could still remain a transsexual. Like a man that lost his dick in an accident is still a man.

In the end, WBT and transsexual should be separated from what is transvestite. Actually I find both transsexual groups do fit into the transgender category, but not transvestites. Why Virginia Prince invented the word ‘transgender’ to mix transsexuals and transvestites together is beyond me; transvestites have more to do with transfer of clothes rather than transfer of gender. A social construct should never be used to represent human beings.

Yuki's Thoughts: Yes, I will withdraw from the competition for the sake of my WBT and TS sisters.

Yuki's Funnies: Calpernia Addams Presents "Bad Questions".

I would have no time for you if you have the urge to ask me anything in regards to transsexuals... so I would leave it to a prominent dear advocate from the US....

"Bad Questions - Questions Never To Ask A Transsexual Person" by Calpernia Addams.



Yuki's Choice Reading:

For more on Calpernia Addams:

Her Life.
Her Profile.
Her New Reality Show.

Yes, it is a her you dumb (beep)!

Transgenders/Transsexuals And Malaysia (We Love Our Country, But Our Country Do Not Love Us).

The elections in Malaysia are coming again, and once again there is not even one politician willing to take on the lesbian, gay and transgender issues in Malaysia. Over at the United States, the proponents of the issues is headed by Democrat Senator Barrack Obama, followed by Senator Hilary Clinton and surprisingly Republican John McCain. Both Sen. Obama and Sen. Clinton had voiced disgust over the senseless murder of 15-year old transgender Lawrence King in California.

In the States, and across the world, the adaptation of the new look on homosexuality and transgenderism has hit a high. When the APA removed homosexuality from the DSM-IV in 1973, a stance supported by other major medical and mental health institutions (something the Christian fundamentalists view as caused by pressure of gay groups), more and more people are realising it is absurd to state that 477,000 medical and mental health professionals bowed down to any pressures.

Instead it is a reassurance that decades of studies had proven that homosexuality is just as normal a condition as heterosexuality. On Gender Identity Disorder or GID (know to be equated at some quarters as Harry Benjamin Syndrome (HBS)), the general public is beginning to realise that this medical condition exists, and goes to challenge the very fabric of sexuality perpetuated by religious groups and the conservative public. Sadly, these information is filtered out in my country, Malaysia.

In Malaysia, transgenders/transsexuals are considered a culture and often rejected by society as freakish outkasts. Most are considered to be creatures having declined social morals. And because the people in this box called Malaysia refuse to think out of the box, most transgenders are always stuck in their closets, fearing disrimination and rejection. Transsexuals got it worse, because they can never be in closets, making them an obvious target of not only ridicule, but also violence.

Three years ago, a transsexual named Mumtaz in Ipoh was arrested, stripped and humiliated by Malaysian Police personnel for waiting for her husband in a hotel room. Last year, a transsexual named Ayu was arrested for just chatting with a friend at a bus stop, then was seriously beaten by religious authorities. This year, another named Freda was found murdered. The media disrespectfully portrayed her as a 'he' wearing red long-sleeved T-shirt, black bra and black pants.

Along the lines, the media never cease to broadcast 'bad news' about transgenders at every opportunity. And authorities continue to be brutal towards transgenders. Across the years, many transgenders/transsexuals are being penalized (some are non-muslims), abused, raped, cheated and even murdered. Some managed to get some headlines thanks to affiliates and groups such as PT Foundation. Most sadly ended up John Doe's, even though medical sciences calls them Jane's.

Transgenders/transsexuals are people. Some of us are registered voters like me. Democracy is a government of the people, by the people and for the people. So why is the government treating transgenders/transsexuals with such disdain is beyond me. GID/ HBS are valid medical conditions requiring treatment of aligning the body to its correct sexual identity. We need protection. Alas, in Kuala Terengganu, they attempt rehabs to get MF transgenders/transsexuals out of feminine 'habits'.

The absurd, foolish and ludacrious treatment handed out by Malaysian authorities upon transgender/transsexuals have not even raised one eyebrow hair in the government of Malaysia. Malaysia claims glory and coming of age in sending a space flight attendant (oops, sorry, erm' astronaught) to space. Malaysia heralded development of infrastructure like the Petronas Twin Towers. However for transgenders/transsexuals, Malaysia chose to be ignorant and preducicial.

Such is a country labelled around the world as a laughing stock. “First class facilities, third class mentality” they called Malaysia. Seriously for a country that gives its Muslim women the right to decide whether to have their hair covered, Malaysia still chooses to be stubborn in regards to it's own people who are transgenders/transsexuals. With more GID/HBS medical approach and legal protection applied by the world today (even Iranians are on it); what becomes of my country now?

Waiting For That Day.

It is now the 27th of February. In exactly four months time, aided and supported by an ever loving husband, and with tons of friends cheering me on; I shall embark on a journey that some have taken triumphantly, but many did not reach this destination. Some cited religion, others the fear of pain, but a good many gave the reason of the worry of being stuck in limbo identity wise as a consequence to it. But I without any hesitation, fear, and with lots of prayer, will be on my way.

The Sex Reassignment Surgery brings with it a new life. For me it is something spiritual, it is like coming home. Or as my friend joked of that Britney song in relations to me, 'I am not a girl, not yet a woman'; but all Yuki needs is not time, but getting the mutated growth out of her. Yes, my satisfaction would be all complete. I would have no shame in going to female spas, and I shall walk proudly out on the streets with hot pants and the T-back underneath it. My joy will be complete.

And with it a husband to share it with. I am removing a biological chastity belt and will be having a sex life with someone that had shown tremendous love, affection and sacrifice for me. I will be able to swim in a bikini or swimsuit without anymore shame. In some Asian countries like Thailand, having that 'thing' taken off is the symbol of coming of age into womanhood. I am finally alive.

Perhaps many do not understand why a person like me wishes to go for it. My Credo brother actually questioned me of my self acceptance. He said if I really accepted myself, I do not need to remove it. But I threw back the answer, something I was incapable of doing two years ago. I told him, that as I can never understand homosexuals 100% how matter I research because of the lack of real time life on it, he can never understand a transsexual. We just had to do what is right and just.

He reminded me again that I can never be a real girl. I beg to differ. With everything from my heart and mind motivations to God, to my psychological and human spirit, I had always been a girl. In fact I never even come close to being half of a boy, instead I had always been closer to who I am. As all the memories of people, from churches to friends trying to define a manhood into me subside, along with the decades of hurt; I am finally happy in my shell heading towards the future.

All the fixations of sex organs as a gender marker can be thrown away now as I am no longer confused. A man with two dicks do not turn him into a superman. A man losing a dick to cancer do not make him less of a man. A woman having being born without the ability to have a child do not make her a man. A woman having small breasts do not make her less than a woman. Likewise, the sexual organ I am getting is just an identification imprint below. I understand now that I am female.

With this huge physiological change coming in a few months time, I did a lot of reflections into my past life, the struggles of trying to be what people want me to be, letting people define who I am, even now at the midst of the comfort I have being myself these days. But I realised I am a much stronger person now and I do not need to seek people's attention and approval anymore. I do not need to live by anyone's standards. I will never let myself be intimidated by transphobics anymore.

Perhaps it is fitting that I finally got to watch 'Beautiful Boxer' on Astro Kirana. It is really an amazing story based on true events of Nong Tum. Although my life would never be so spectacular like hers, and I could not even jog for more than 5 rounds around the park (let alone deliver knock out Muay Thai punches like her); everyone of us transsexuals would have our own stories to tell, lives to live, stuffs to face. All of us are going through dangers in our lives but we must hang on.

I am looking forward so much to the 'cutting' point of my transition. By the long winded tone of this post you should know I am thrilled to bits. Of course I could never imagine the impact of waking up realising the abnormal growth is gone, or even the pain that might ensue. I am hoping to get internet access at the hospital and hotel so that I could have a daily updates of what is happening an keep my writing up to date. In the meantime; my heartful thanks for those who had accepted the lady I am.

Video: Are You A Boy Or A Girl?

Many thanks to Marti Abernathey for the discovery of this video.

This surely is one of the most touching videos I watched thus far this year. Hope you feel it too.

Journey To Thailand (Conclusion: The Journey Home).

I woke up to the reality that it was the day to get home. I took a short bath and went downstairs for my breakfast. Looking at the menu, it was an easy selection. Go for the Thai meal, it could be years before I may enjoy this again. It was an enjoyable meal, while watching the ‘US Democratic Debate’ on CNN in the hotel lounge. I rushed back to my room, packed up my stuff and checked out of the Wall Street Inn. Prayerfully, I am on my way.

I left an IM message for my boyfriend for help, and with some of the money I had left on me I bought an IDD card. That was it, it was my last chance. I called back frantically to the Maybank centre in Kuala Lumpur, asking them for ways to activate my ATM card. No wonder it was useless here in Thailand. I did not activate the option for overseas withdrawals. I quickly gave my details, and within 40 minutes, my card was active again.

It is now almost noon, and now I got to rush back to the airport. I cannot miss the next flight back to Malaysia. Withdrawing the cash I needed, I jumped into a taxi with yet another non-English speaking driver. Drats! Really. Does anyone speak English around here? I had to do self made sign languages depicting an airplane and use the word Suvarnabhumi to get the driver to understand me, and luckily he goes ‘Oh ya ya!’ ‘A-pot!’. Gosh!

A short trip later, I alighted the taxi and my heart goes, yes! I am back at the Suvarnabhumi Airport! The next step of course is to get a ticket. So which flight shall I take? The logical choice would be the earliest flight, and that was under the Malaysian Airline System. But I am tempted to try Thai Airways. But that would be too late for me, and I just cannot wait to go back. So gleefully, I bought the earliest ticket and checked in for my flight home.

Sitting within the gateway for my flight, I still am at awe of what I had encountered in Thailand. Most of the public toilets, even ones in restaurants, have just bowls without flush tanks. But the washrooms there are so clean, even with the trouble of people flushing it manually. The town of Chonburi and Bangkok city are incredibly clean with hardly a single rubbish to be seen. Even the food tastes healthy. How I wish my own country was like that.

Ok I admit. On the plane, after saying goodbye to Thailand, I am actually starting to miss it. The friendliness, the culture, the nightlife, I am even inspired to learn the Thai language. Thailand is really nothing like Malaysia. Of course all countries would have their pros and cons in living, but I do know I am truly leaving a mystical Asian land, and that someday I am going to return there. But till then; Malaysia, I am coming back.

From a beautiful place to another beautiful land, as the plane lands at the Kuala Lumpur International Airport, there is a surreal feeling that surrounds me. Firstly would be the thought, am I really home after the fright of the night before? Another, the sudden English and Malay conversations people were having. Then of course, I just came back from another country, it really feels like a fantasy, even though it happened just last night.

I withdrawn some money my boy eventually sent me, and I went to the Satellite A duty free shops and bought two cartons of Virginia Slims Lights as the fat lady sings. Then, the trip home on yet another tonto taxi. Great reminder of my adventures. Later that night, I reminiscence my little journey to big Thailand and discuss it with my friends near my apartment. There is no place like home. But for what it is worth, it had been a fabulous journey.

Journey To Thailand (Part Two: Into The Night).

This trip to Thailand need not be a nightmare. I checked in at the hotel reservation centre for a room in Bangkok. Okay, I am already stuck here, so while waiting for my boyfriend to rescue me, I might as well go down to the city centre and make the best of a day plan gone awry into a short one night holiday. After booking my stay in a Wall Street Inn off Silom Road, off I went to Bangkok on another taxi with a driver that knows no English.

It was when I reached the city centre that I realized how big Bangkok was. Huge! It was at the least 3 to 4 times bigger than Kuala Lumpur. Even after reaching the city, it took a long while to reach the hotel. Silom road is one place I had wanted to go for sometime, because I heard most of my transsexual sisters are there. I am curious to find out their living conditions in comparison to the sisters in Malaysia. Has it changed or improved?

I arrived at the hotel and after checking into my room, I found that my room was really small and comes without a bathtub. In my frustration I still try to cheer myself up. Thailand programmes were incomprehensive because there are no English subtitles. There are also hardly any channels to watch. I took a short bath and calculated the money I have. After everything is set, here I go into the most happening street in Bangkok.

With ATM card not working here in Bangkok and barely enough to go back to the airport in the morning, it became a very budgeted walk. I have barely 1000 thai baht in my budget this night, because I needed to reserve some 500 thai baht for any emergency. I asked around the crowd where I can meet my transsexual sisters, and it was then I was led to a night market just around the corner with tons and tons of pubs and clubs around.

I went inside one called ‘Super Pussy’. It sounds daring enough, but got a shock of my life when I am surrounded by at least two handfuls of nude girls, all expecting tips. The drinks were ridiculously priced at RM 300 bahts for a small glass of coke! And I have to give extra charges for just watching the nude show. So I quickly dashed out, not before I realized a naked girl on stage was opening a beer bottle with her pussy! Ouch!

I dashed to another place called ‘Pink Panther’. It is probably the more boring of the pubs I visited that night, but the drinks were quite cheap for a pub, at only 110 baht for a bottle of Heineken. There were three girls dancing on the pole, dressed sexy but still considered fully clothed. This would be a nice place to drink if the songs they played were better. Gosh, really missed the song Shiny Disco Ball. Is there someplace good to go to?

Well, it is within much deeper into the market place called ‘Tiger’. It is a mixed of biological girls and transsexual girls, lots of them, dancing in supremely skimpy bikinis to the point they were almost naked. Beer was incredibly cheap at only 100 baht. It also appeared to me a system there where the girls were numbered. Once a customer chooses the number, a customer would give a tip for the girls company, or bring them home.

I spoke to one of the transsexual sisters there, and from it I gathered that in order to live better, there is not much choice but sex work, especially when opportunities were few and far between. But she does harbour hopes one day she can have a better life. I decided to walk back to my hotel as it was getting late and I need to prepare to get home a day after. I breathed a silent prayer for my sisters in Thailand, and for a better tomorrow for all.

Journey To Thailand (Part One: The Big Rush).

In the middle of this month, I took a trip up north to Thailand, on a mission to see Dr Suporn Watanyusakul, a famed Sex Reassignment Surgeon in Chonburi. Chonburi is a cute little town around 50 kilometers from Bangkok. I did not pack up anything and just carried my handbag with my important documents as I was planning to come back in the evening. So I boarded an early afternoon flight on check in at 1.30pm on Air Asia.

When I arrived at the LCC Terminal near KLIA, my knees went into constant shiver as I realize the prospect of getting into my first flight for ages. I have a fear of being on an air plane, and am unsure of what started this phobia of being subjected to the risk of a plane crashing into furious flames or the window of the and sucking me out to a fall of 30 over thousand feet into my certain death. Worse come to worse, at least I will be dead fast.

Nevertheless, I decided to sum up all the courage I had to get on the plane and claim all the convulsions in my stomach as the plane takes off. I tried to relax my mind thinking of that old song ‘One Night In Bangkok’, and appease myself with the meal I bought on the air plane. Air Asia is not as cheap as I thought, after adding the airport tax and everything it comes out to a near RM 900 bill, so I might as well enjoy my flight as much as I can.

I reached the Suvarnabhumi Airport around 3.30pm Bangkok time. With my legs still in jello style and my heart still pumping over the horrendous experience, I managed to get out to the immigration and arrival hall with no problems. I caught a taxi which ended up being an illegal tonto taxi, so as I am running short of time, I decided to take it anyway even though they charged me an awesome and ridiculous 2000 baht for it.

The travel was alarming. All the signboards have tiny little English words in comparison to the large Thai words. I do not even know whether I am going the right way, especially when the taxi driver, a nice lady anyway, does not utter any English and only a weeny bit of Mandarin. But the lady understood where is Chonburi, and as the clinic was located right in the main road of the town we managed to find it. And a classy clinic it is indeed.

The nice lady taxi driver offered to wait around for me, so I decided to stick to this driver and head through the clinic doors. There I was greeted by the usual calls of ‘Sawadeeka’ and was brought to the doctor’s clinic. I have to speak very slowly to get him and his wife (presumably) to understand what I wanted and needed. But I was pleased when he told me I have enough tissues to create the best results possible for my upcoming SRS.

I saw the samples and it was amazing. I got all the information I need and bade farewell to the Dr Suporn and his staff. After a quick dinner, I quickly attempted to rush back to the airport with the help of the nice lady, who eventually charged me only 1500 baht for the way back. Unfortunately, we run into some road works that caused an incredible jam on the Bangkok Chonburi highway. I ran into the risk of missing my flight.

I reached the airport but it was too late. The Air Asia counter refused to check me in even though I arrived five minutes before the check in closes, claiming their gate is too far and would close before me getting there. I burst into tears and anger as I am looking at the notice board and discovered my flight was still on check in and then boarding. That was it. I am never taking an Air Asia flight again. In gloom, I look at the prospects I have, as I am stranded in Bangkok.

The Sisters.

We are doing ourselves no favours. Yes, I may always give my heartfelt love to those of us who struggle in our daily lives, to those of us who have commited suicide because of the rejection we all face daily. But I cannot help to think what if, just what if we had actually aggravated our own situations with our own doings. In our lives contantly living under the norm prejudices, have we ever thought that maybe it is we ourselves contributing to the lost of respect for our sisters?

A lot of my friends are so surprised with me when they started to know me as a transsexual female. They even told me how they cannot stand the others, and were surprised that I was not one of 'them'. I ask them for their thoughts, and I got really a heavy mouthful of condemnations. It seems that the rest of them trans sisters of mine do not behave in any likeness of a female, let alone a good human being or a sane creature. In fact, I share some of their feelings.

Seriously, I had come out of the closet again, and lived as who I am for the past two years. But I barely seen any real transsexuals. There may be some, but it seems that I am surrounded by mostly transvestites who consider themselves transsexuals just because they dared to operate and grow breasts, and some crossdressers who wants to pass as women to the extent of surgery. In fact, I identified most transsexuals actually exist overseas than here in Malaysia.

All of these transvestites in transsexuals clothing almost have the same habits. They want to become beautiful women. They are desperate to pass as as a girl. If they are really transsexuals, they would have no needs whatsoever to do so. Because they already know they are women as I know. In fact, I have a lot of my 'sisters' encouraging me to wear make up as to look like a girl more. See, that is the problem. I do not find the need to wear make up as to 'pass as a girl'.

I also do not see the whacky idea of smuggling tons of estrogen pills from Thailand and overdosing yourself with it to hell as necessary. On a contrary, it is dangerous. I do not see any trans sisters I know doing so except here in Malaysia. Here the culture for the sisters is to be the best, to be famous, to be the most prettiest as possible. But to do so with the extremes like hormones overloads? Botox and Collegen injections every month? Goodness, is being even more beautiful than normal girls the only objective in life for transsexual females, and in the event, even sacrificing health and long term grace of growth?

With the constant overfixation to appear as a wannabe beautiful girl, this is where the problems occur that scar our own faces from getting our due understanding and empathy from the society. A society that is already having problems separating the good girls and the bad girls, the transvestites and the transsexuals. Yet these 'sisters' crave for all the wrong things. This also causes the crave for money. It makes the world go round and it is needed for all the surgeries, operations and treatments needed for a transsexual. That is the birth of materialism in their hearts. Some to the extent of cheating tons of cash from friends.

Besides the obvious money cheating, and some who have the totally unnecessary need for prostitution, trying to seduce men is top of the list. It annoys not only my friends who are straight, but also me when I see transsexual wannabe transvestites or true sisters behaving like they are princess high and mighty, trying to pick up men. They think they are so darn attractive, behaving as if they are even better than girls. They think all men would be wooed by them, which is foolish considering most of these men would puke at their slimy attitude.

These 'sisters' try to walk as if they are afraid of breaking their heels, and avoid their hands doing even slightly tougher things to not risk breaking a fingernail. Even some who are working in pubs and shopping complexes, overdress in comparison to their female counterparts. They are more concerned with looking super good and to get a man good looking enough to display their ego-inflation than just being a normal living girl. In the end, their actions and lives are plastic, and dishonesty replaces the honour of just being a female.

I am sorry, but I do not wish to wear this rubbish. Society already confused transsexuals with transvestites. When some of these transsexuals and transvestites are hormone fukked in their brains by self overdosage into a constant craving for sex and beauty, their lifestyle would have the society equating these 'sisters' to me. And I, and many others am supposedly on a mission of education. They are destroying themselves and the very hands who are advocating for them. Yes, the society discriminates and most religious hypocrates are bigots. But are we must think, are some of us under the transgender umbrella adding the world's insecurities and sensitivities?

The woman's rights are not won by drugs. They are won by woman who worked twice as hard as men. Blacks got that rights by showing they are just as capable as their white counterparts in any fields. Transsexual rights would never be won by the constant potrayals by our transvestite counterparts as men pretending to be women, and the image of transsexuals as women with lose morals. Some lifestyles we live would only contribute to stubborn stereotypes most people have on us. Some of what we do as a minority, would affect others in the community.

To those who have choices, please live on the good options. Our fate may just swing to our favour, but it is in your hands. Remember that our futures rely on what choices we make. The better choices we make today, the better our tomorrows may be. Let us prove ourselves worthy of equality and respect. Earn friends on the right manner. And show to society we are not the freaks they think we are, but beautiful part of a diversed creation of God. It is time to grow up.

Real Rude Awakening: Edmund Smith's Definitions.

Before I start, I would like to point out two things that is mentioned in part of the mission statement from Real Love Ministry.


http://www.r-l-m.com/About%20Us1.htm

RLM is a non-profit, voluntary and charitable organization that works closely with the marginalized community, such as the illiterate, the mentally challenged, the deaf, people with AIDS (PwA) and the homosexual community.

The ultimate goal of RLM is to bring ‘real love’ or unconditional love into the lives of others. Love is real IF love is the element that motivates an individual into doing something good for someone else. In other words … it is always about WHY we do it - more than WHAT we do.


I am tired and happy. I just had a nice chat with my boy, and going to go back and sleep. Then, as a stroke of luck, I run into this in the Real Love Ministry website (http://www.r-l-m.com/definitions%20of%20words.htm). I know they are not going to change their unresearched misinformation campaign, but just in case they come to their senses and attempt eliminate the evidence of their uneducated presentation, I copied and pasted the page below:

I would not dwell too much on what he defines on gays, but I am sure they would highly disagree with some of the pure stereotypical picture painting like this:

"Pro-gay:
Believes in the rights of living a homosexual lifestyle."


It is amazing how things like 'people wanting to end job discrimination based on sexual orientation' is not mentioned, and instead he paints the picture that these are just a bunch of people fighting to condone a 'lifestyle'. I am also certain the word 'lifestyle' is an insult by itself.


Edmund eats. They eat. Edmund sings. They sing. Heck, I am going to say this straight on the face. Edmund is married. They cannot. They want to have the opportunity to do so. That makes them pro-gay. And to Edmund, being gay is nothing but a life of lust, hence the use of the word lifestyle, which I really sincerely doubt.

In fact, with such depiction of reflection of sexual lust into his own gayness, it really starts to confirm the fact that the man was never gay, and really just a confused heterosexual who went into anal sex for 14 years of his life. I have seen gay men who do not like sex. So where is the 'lifestyle' is he talking about?

And surely, I would concentrate on more of his utter confused position in relations to me and my sisters:

"Transgender:
One whose psychological gender is opposite to his/her biological gender"


"Transsexual:
A person who have had a sex change"

"Transvestite:
A person who dresses us as the opposite gender as a lifestyle"


Is something wrong with him? Is it his English? Or his simple mind creating another set of stereotypical definitions? I shudder to think this moment; a person calls me a transvestite, I ask him who says so, and he would utter, Edmund Smith!

The correct definitions are these:


Transgender (TG):
A term used to include transsexuals, transgenderists and transvestites/ Crossdressers.


Transsexual (TS):
A person who feels a consistent and overwhelming desire to transition and fulfill their lives as members of the opposite gender. These individuals have usually been diagnosed as such, by a psychologist or psychiatrist as having GID. Most transsexuals actively desire and complete Sexual-Reassignment Surgery. Transsexuals live or are in the process of living full time as the opposite gender, whether non, pre or post-op.

Transvestite (TV):
The Latin and clinical name for "Crossdresser". A person who dresses in the clothing of the opposite sex for fetishistic reasons and has no desire to transition.

Can we see the obvious differences?

I am a pre-op transsexual female, but to Edmund's logic, he is calling me, and millions of us worldwide, the word used to represent a group of men who have no desire to correct our physical gender with our internal gender, and just cross dress as a fetish lifestyle. He might as well directly insult all of us by calling us men!


He goes on to even contradict himself by his definition the umbrella terms transgender, that includes all of us that live within or without our gender roles, as if all transgenders are born transsexuals!

It also shows Edmund is a very lazy boy. All he could do was just google the words 'transgender definitions', and all the listings, even from Wikipedia, would give the accurate definitions to be presented in proper. But no! He had to cock up all these things out from his limited knowledge.

And in doing so, he that claims to help the 'marginalized' community would not be helping the most marginalized community in Malaysia, we the transsexuals; and there is no real unconditional love from him that is enough for him to just do a simple research that takes barely 15 minutes. It is just 3 words for goodness sake! Yet such glaring mistakes in meanings!

Let us read now the mission statements from them again:

RLM is a non-profit, voluntary and charitable organization that works closely with the marginalized community, such as the illiterate, the mentally challenged, the deaf, people with AIDS (PwA) and the homosexual community.

The ultimate goal of RLM is to bring ‘real love’ or unconditional love into the lives of others. Love is real IF love is the element that motivates an individual into doing something good for someone else. In other words … it is always about WHY we do it - more than WHAT we do.

So WHY are they (Edmund) doing this total garbage story telling? God knows and He will judge.

The Journey.

Many who have followed my blog here would realise I have not been posting as regularly as I did previously. That is because, incredible and surprising developments had surfaced into my life, and with it; faith, hope and love. The kind that we always read about in 1 Corinthians 13. I believe I have found my life partner, a person to be with, to love and to be loved, that I had been seeking for so long.

It came at a time I had been tired of relationships, one by one it seems to crumble before me. And not men one can win my heart. Not one that would make me a better girl, all of them only left me with more bruises, pains and scars in my heart and my mind, so deep than anyone can possibly imagine. But that is in the past. Now, at every dawn I wake up too, somewhere out there, my true love is waiting. My true reflection. My refining fire and soothing ice to my aching heart and tormented soul.

I may have finally found someone to share my life with. Not that I would stop what I am doing though, but I am quite tied up with some silent goodbyes, returning people's loans, settling with banks and service providers, planning for medical check-up, going back to my hometown Ipoh, then to Thailand, then to Singapore etc etc... phew. A lot of stuff to plan and execute for the next one and a half months. And all provided for me by a sensitive, charming man. Yes, the Lord had provided me with a man.

I would probably be back to the average one post every two days which is my commitment here in this blogsite by December, a time I would be in a new place for two months with him, seeking to know more about this man, confirming my weary soul, washing away my deepest fears. And in Reflections Asia, I am waiting for one or two more authors for the site to get it alive and kicking. And he would be my partner and I am his, in combining our worlds together, advocating on behalf of our LGT brothers and sisters.

I am still trying to finish part two of 'When The Real Love Ministry Is Confused', and part three of 'The Bible Says So', for both blog sites. By the hits I have been getting for both topics, I believe everyone all around the world are ready for more. And where am I going? I do not wish to be secretive about it, but everytime I set my hopes it always seems to fall. So this time, I am keeping a silent hope. At every juncture, I will unveal something here. If everything goes well, there would be surprises for everyone, my parents, my TS sisters, my friends... and even Edmund Smith!

Nope. There had been a misunderstanding there, I had never been Edmund Smith's adversary, even though people commended me being one. I still owe a lot to him for further convicting and affirming me by his anti-transgender musings. In his negatives, I have found my positives. I wonder if he realise the impact he made in my life, so much so that I became an advocate for the LGT community.

In other words, if I had not met Edmund Smith, I would not have known about the dark world of the ex-gays and the musings of ex-gay ministries that is discriminative and prejudicial against transsexuals like me, the mind manipulation on churches by these biased ministries to incite hate and intolerance against homosexuals, and the use of political means by these groups to surpress the LGTs, even in Malaysia and Singapore. If I had not met him, there would not be a Yuki who would eventually be a counter voice. And stronger and stronger a counter voice I am becoming. So I am really grateful and thankful for him.

I will always be around here. Unless something drastic happens to me of course. But god willing, this blog will be the channel in which I will share my life in the coming years. But with all the mostly moody and sad posts, it is my hope that in the future, I can post positive and delightful happenings in my life, and also of the community around me. As I partake in these small and meaningful steps, and steps that may eventually lead me finally to a true direction in my life, someone awaits for me. And something tells me, this time, it is for real. YukiChoe, now has a boyfriend. She now belongs to someone. Let us see where Yuki lands on and ends up next.

Girls Like Us, Remembering Gwen Amber Rose Araujo.

We both like Gwen Stefani. We both like to party and have a love for the nightlife. We both have a zeal to live. We both are transsexual females. The difference? I am in my 30s and still surviving. Gwen Amber Rose Araujo, at the tender age of 17 was brutally murdered by four men who discovered she was a transsexual. If she was living today, she would be 22 and probably would have undergone her SRS. She was attractive and full of a youthful outlook in life. Yesterday marks the 5th year of her passing.

She does not deserve to die. I could be killed and tossed somewhere in the intolerant and narrow minded city of Kuala Lumpur, which revels in jurassic mentality, and no one would care, not even my parents. It would be common. But she hails from a tolerant culture full of diversity of San Fransisco Bay Area's friendly neighbourhood, where everyone cares for one another and she has strong emotional support from her family and some friends, in a country known for a strong democracy, giving that wee bit of breathing space for girls like us. It seems like a nightmare. It just cannot happen but it did. If there is one transsexual female that could have made it in life it is her. No, she does not deserve what happened to her.

That very night five years ago, was a girl. She was ready to rock the town. Eager to party. As any young girl would. We see the girl in Gwen, on fire and living with passion. She was never a boy. A car with a group of men stopped by and ask her if she wants a ride. She says she wants to party. It was a girl responding to a bunch of creeps wanting to take advantage. She already is in a some sexual relationship with some of them. They were all friends.

It takes one jealous girl to vent her frustrations of being less pretty than Gwen. The girl was believed to have forcefully checked on Gwen's genitals. The girl opened her big mouth in front of the four men about Gwen, and then it began; the horrific death sentence executed by these four men. For a good five hour plus, in a supreme moronic merciless act, Gwen Araujo was kicked, punched, hit by hard objects (frying pans, barbells, cans), beaten, knocked, kneed to the wall, strangled and stoned. She was literally tortured in those 5 hours. She died. After that, her body was tied up and was disrespectfully buried. It was then discovered a few weeks later.

The four dirty scumbags was then arrested. Everyone was in the state of shock. They just could not believe this kind of thing can happen in their neighbourhood. Interesting events then followed. The four men argued that Gwen deceived them, and their lawyer cited gay panic in defense. The ridiculous Reverend Fred Phelps led a group of 'Christians' to Gwen Araujo's family's house, mocking her and her family, claiming Gwen is going to hell and blaspheming all around Bay Area, annoying San Fransisco onlookers. Gwen's mother Sylvia Guerrero, had become an transgender activist, in order to make sure what happened to her dearest rose, never happens again. And Gwen was finally able to change her name from the male sounding Eddie, to the sweet Gwen.

What happened 5 years ago, brought up the good and bad in people. The sight of Sylvia Guerrero expressing her love for her daughter. The group Christians led by Fred Phelps claiming 'God's hatred is good.'. But at the most, transsexuals were affected. It was a wake up call to everyone, even to parents; such thing could happen to their own children. It is not funny anymore. No one would know what is in the minds of the four who killed her. But the common logic sense prevails, she does not deserve even the torture, let alone death. Nobody sane would wish this to happen.

There are also lessons for me to learn too. That no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow. However, we can be prepared for it. But we must be prepared to ensure that such intolerance be smoothen by correct information and education. The narrower the mind, the bigger the fear. People always are afraid of things they do not understand, and ignorance becomes the stance in them. Perhaps if people would just open up their eyes and see girls like us as who we are, then we would probably be given the room to contribute to life. In the end, we are girls. And Gwen will be Gwen.

Yuki's choice reading:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gwen_Araujo
http://www.ncavp.org/media/MediaReleaseDetail.aspx?p=1005&d=1037
http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1543952
http://www.transgenderlawcenter.org/gwen/index.html
http://www.techsoup.org/learningcenter/internet/page5076.cfm

The Direction.

I felt I have lost a bit of direction after going through the past half year. And I am also going through a period of depression. I have seen off worse circumstances in my life but the stigma, discrimination and prejudice is really getting to me. Thus far, the only thing that is running positively is my activism, education and information work in regards to LGT issues. I lost Ch'ng, Malaysia, because of his commitments; but to my surprise got Kennikoh and Ratwoodies, from Australia, in return. Even on that, there seems to be a conflict in me, because many of my friends across the United States would wish the T would be separated from the LG in what I am doing.

As for jobs, I have gone through the worse spell in my life. Five jobs have come to passed since I regretfully left the only job I feel at home and at peace with at a frame shop / gallery at Sunway / Kota Kemuning, Selangor, Malaysia. I have never changed jobs so often before, but one way or the other, I am not secure in them. Even the community work I am doing now, bears a lot of discomfort for me, even though my MTF sisters are around. On most of the five jobs I have been pushed away by ignorance, some of the bosses may like me but the workers do not. Sometimes, the bosses are the problem themselves, at first they really tried to accept me; but in the end, their bigotry got in their way. It seems I am an easy meat to be sliced off, because it is always the transsexual's fault.

The problem with my case would be my inability to work in certain jobs. I have done two bar jobs of the five I mentioned, but realised I am no longer a person interested in drinking myself drunk every night for the sake of entertaining customers. Somehow or rather, be it my moral self or the hormonal therapy I am going through, I really need to get myself fit again. On the other three, which are full time jobs, I faced tremendous pressure from my bosses and some of my colleagues, it seems there is one rule for me and another rule for the rest of the organization.

I am no longer the person I was because of my abysmal situations, from strong I became weak. My drive for perfection is gone and seemed to be buried beneath the years of turmoil. My parents in Ipoh, already are unable to accept the daughter of a son they conceived. My finances are still at a fix. I know I need to get out of Malaysia or I may die here. And I know too I need to be more passable and prettier in order to survive. But to do so, I need money. So where am I going to get it?

I guess most of my depressed state comes from the fact I feel like I am now, a nobody. I used to be someone when I transitioned in my earlier days, even though all that is thanks to my ex-boyfriend who gave me that position. I used to enjoy a nice warm bed in a big room with clean sheets and cool scent. I used to revel in socializing among higher circles of people. I had almost 50 pairs of comfortable shoes to wear and tons of dresses. I lost all that, after I left this abusive boyfriend of mine. My mind ponders, should I have stayed with him? Maybe through all the physical and emotional torture I have to go through, at least I would not be suffering as I am now. I loved the champagne life, but had it ruined me? A fate for the future be shaped based on past experiences?

Now in my continued and on turbo mode of transition, I am facing a life alone. No one to give me the security, finances and comfort. No one to support me. I am learning to be independent in the worse possible manner at the worse possible time. But I badly need one opportunity, just one, to make the world around me a better place. It is a shame, but I will be taking a huge risk soon. But I owe it to myself to take care of me, so even though it will place me in a more compromising position I must do it. I hope I survive every each obstacle a stronger person. What I want for the time being is simple, to make tomorrow better than today. Perhaps that, would give me some peace.

What should I do next, perhaps if I should stop asking that question I could move forward. I need to cease the day, and do all I can to live. Even if it means I go full time on escort duty. Positive thinking? Okay, I will get out of this hole. I will take care of me. And I will continue to come of age. I need to get back to where I belong. Desire, Discipline and Determination, the 3D's I always failed to practise. Perhaps it is time to discover slowly, the adventures unfolding before me.

Transgender People Face Violence, Obstacles.

Transgender People Face Violence, Obstacles
by Megan Tady

Cast to the margins of society, gender-nonconformists have always lived under the threat of harassment and brutality, but a new report and vigilant voices of resistance aim to expose and challenge prevailing social stigmas.

Jan. 15 – From an early age, Margaux Ayn Schaffer – who was born male – identified as a girl. And from an early age, she was threatened for not conforming to her socially assigned gender.

Schaffer recalls that in the eighth grade, she was beaten up by her peers at school, and that once, later in life, a group chased her from a train station.

"When I went to the security, they just said, ‘You should learn how to fight,’ and they were laughing at me," Schaffer said. Now 48, Schaffer is a male-to-female transsexual.

Living the way that makes Schaffer most comfortable, however, draws a stiff penalty from society. "There are harsh social sanctions for not following the gender lines," she said.

From schoolyard bullying to street harassment to brutal murders, violence is often a part of the transgender experience. The term transgender refers to anyone who transgresses traditional gender boundaries and includes cross-dressers and transsexuals.

"Most folks who... have a gender presentation that is somewhat non-conforming or different from the gender they were assigned at birth have had some experience with isolation, discrimination and violence," said Avy Skolnik, a coordinator with the New York City Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project, who is transgender himself.

According to a 2005 report by the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, which analyzed incidents targeting lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people (LGBT) in fifteen US cities and regions, 213 transgender people suffered anti-transgender offenses in 2004. The incidents included assaults, harassment and vandalism.

“Most folks who… have a gender presentation that is somewhat non-conforming or different from the gender they were assigned at birth have had some experience with isolation, discrimination and violence.”In another report released last month, the Gender Public Advocacy Coalition (GPAC) detailed the deaths of 51 people under the age of 30 who may have been murdered because of their gender non-conformity.

The Coalition drew on hate crimes reports, newspaper accounts, websites and online databases to complete the report, which covers a decade. The group characterized the 51 murders as "definitely or probably" motivated by gender nonconformity, but warned that, "unless an assailant made a direct public statement – during the assault in front of surviving witnesses, in confiding to a friend, or at a trial afterwards – it was often impossible to determine with complete confidence whether gender was a factor in the crime."

The GPAC report included descriptions of each of the victims’ deaths. For instance, in 2002, Alejandro Lucero, a 25-year-old Hopi transgender woman, was strangled and beaten to death in Phoenix, Arizona. Sakia Gunn, a 15-year-old black lesbian whose mother described her as "dress[ing] like a boy," was stabbed to death while waiting at a bus top in New Jersey in 2003. In 2005, Delilah Corrales, a 23-year-old transgender Latina woman, was stabbed, beaten and drowned in the Colorado River.

“Trans people generally don’t get stabbed once; they get stabbed 20 times, shot, burned and thrown into a dumpster.” The website "Remembering our Dead" memorializes over 300 transgender people who have been murdered in the US and abroad over the last several decades.

A community on the margins

When a transgender person is murdered, the entire transgender community feels targeted, said Mara Keisling, who is transgender and the director of the DC-based National Center for Transgender Equality.

"Even though it appears that there’s not someone out there saying, ‘Let’s kill all the trans people,’ it does feel that way," Keisling told The NewStandard. In the past decade, seven transgender people under the age of 30 have been killed in Washington, DC, according to the GPAC report.

"Besides the fact that so many people lost someone they loved, it takes an emotional toll when you live in a place where you know you could get killed. Those are all horrible things to have to live with," she said.

It is not just through violence that the transgender community can feel targeted.

Often, just carrying a government-issued ID may expose a transgender person to an uncomfortable, humiliating or potentially threatening situation, if it displays a former name or gender presentation. But Skolnik said obtaining documentation that properly reflects a transgender person’s chosen identity and gender is costly and time-consuming, and often a class-based option.

Keisling said anti-transgender violence is part of a cycle of institutional barriers and economic disparities. She said that because of discrimination, many transgender people have fragile employment and housing situations, which in turn can leave transgender people more vulnerable to violence.

Schaffer said something as simple as not having a car can leave a transgender person vulnerable "if they’re having to use public transportation, or if they’re walking along the road."

“When your whole worldview is a dichotomy between white-black, bad-good, straight-gay, and suddenly you see there’s a whole continuum between them and everyone can move around -- well this is terrifying to most people.” Patterns of age, race, class and original sex in anti-transgender violence weave intersections between marginalized groups in society.

According to the Gender Public Advocacy Campaign’s (GPAC) report detailing the murders of young people who transgressed gender boundaries, a majority of the victims – 91 percent of those for whom race was known – were young people of color.

Additionally, the report discovered that 92 percent of the victims were biologically male but presented varying degrees of femininity.

Taneika Taylor, director of communications for GPAC and co-author of the report, said young people and youth of color are particularly vulnerable to violence because they lack "sufficient financial and social capital to ensure their own safety."

Extreme violence
Beyond demographics, murders with suspected gender-based motivations typically share another characteristic: brutality.

"Trans people generally don’t get stabbed once; they get stabbed 20 times, shot, burned and thrown into a dumpster," Keisling said. For example, in 2002, seventeen-year-old Gwen Araujo, a Latina transgender teen, was beaten with a skillet and strangled to death while she was at a party with her peers, according to the GPAC report.

GPAC found that a majority of the victims were killed with violence "beyond that necessary to terminate life." In some cases, assailants continued to bludgeon, stab or shoot the victims even after death.

Michael Kimmel, a sociologist and author of books about men and masculinity, said gender-based violence can sometimes be sexualized.

"It’s because it’s about a kind of rejection of that sexuality," Kimmel told TNS. "It’s kind of like purging – not just by murdering something – but by annihilating it; by making it as if it never existed."

Strict gender lines

The rage against gender nonconformists, advocates say, is rooted in how people see and enforce gender roles.

Kimmel said transgender people disrupt a prevailing social concept that everyone can be classified in distinct categories, such as male and female, or gay and straight. Transgender identity, he said, "shows us something that we absolutely, desperately do not want to see: that [gender is] artificial."

"When your whole worldview is a dichotomy between white-black, bad-good, straight-gay," Kimmel argued, "and suddenly you see there’s a whole continuum between them and everyone can move around – well, this is terrifying to most people."

A society’s response to a transgender person, he said, is confusion and anger: "Are you a boy or are you a girl? What are you? You cannot occupy this space. You must choose. You must be one or the other."

But while some people may struggle to understand a transgender identity, Kimmel said it is usually only men who respond to it with violence. Of the 22 murders in the GPAC report with known assailants, all were committed by males.

"We have a very inflexible idea of what masculinity is," Kimmel said. "The violence is an effort to assert that masculinity."

Reporting anti-transgender violence

Advocates for transgender people say strict gender lines are reinforced by the media when reporting on gender-based violence – when the crimes are reported at all. According to GPAC, the murders of about one in four victims in its report received no media attention.

Keisling said it's difficult not only when the mainstream media does not cover anti-transgender violence, but also when the details of the crimes are wrongly reported. "If I were to get murdered," she said, "[reporters] might say, ‘a man’ or ‘a man in a wig and a dress.’ It’s disrespectful to the victim; it dehumanizes the victim."

Due to a general lack of understanding of transgender people, anti-transgender crimes are often classified as simply anti-gay by both the media and authorities. For instance, the FBI’s 2005 hate-crime statistics sort gender crimes by only homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual.

"If trans people are murdered, the public needs to know about it. Trans people need to know about it," Keisling said. "If that gets whitewashed as just gay people being killed, that wouldn’t [help] people to amply protect themselves."

Some transgender advocates have pushed for laws explicitly classifying anti-transgender violence as a hate crime, arguing that such violence targets not just an individual, but entire communities.

Though some states have enacted hate-crime legislation raising the penalties for crimes targeting people because of their gender expression, similar legislation at the federal level has stalled in Congress.

According to the GPAC report, 72 percent of the 51 attacks documented were not officially classified as hate crimes.

While the FBI reported that 62 percent of all murder cases in 2004 were "closed" or "solved" because of arrests made, only 46 percent of the murders in the GPAC report have been solved. The group said a failure to categorize the murders as hate crimes, a general lack of media attention and the marginalized social status of the victims may have contributed to the unsolved rate of anti-transgender crimes.

"When there’s not an appropriate response from authorities or from the media, it often means that there’s not a space for public outcry," Skolnik said. "It can get swept under the rug and it compounds the damage because it reconfirms the message that the offender was initially sending, which was, ‘Your community is not really important.’"

Positive trends

Despite the continued violence against transgender people, advocates say they are seeing some positive trends in combating the systemic discrimination and violence against gender nonconformists.

Ten states and Washington, DC have passed hate crime laws that extend to gender identity and expression. Those states are California, Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, Maryland, Missouri, Minnesota, New Mexico, Pennsylvania and Vermont.

Additionally, more than 70 colleges and universities and over 40 K-12 school districts include gender-identity and expression in their non-discrimination or anti-harassment policies.

But in spite of such policies, violence and discrimination against transgender people persists. The National Center for Lesbian Rights reported last January that although California passed a school harassment policy that includes sexual orientation and gender identity six years ago, many schools were not in compliance.

Skolnik said that laws targeting gender-based hate crimes would go further in stopping the violence if they included provisions for public-education campaigns to raise awareness about the issue.

"Hate violence is a manifestation of society’s attitudes toward historically oppressed people, including communities of color, women, LGBT folks, people with disabilities, and the list goes on," Skolnik said. "When an incident happens, a significant public outcry and media response and rallying around a group or individual that was targeted not only provides support for the victim, but also sends that larger societal message."

The GPAC report called for mandatory diversity training for law-enforcement personnel on gender identity and expression issues, and for educators to include gender-identity curriculum in schools. The group is also asking for other human- and civil-rights groups to take up the cause of fighting anti-transgender violence.

"We need to see [anti-transgender] rage as a sickness – a cultural sickness – like racism or anti-Semitism or misogyny," Kimmel said. "It’s a cultural illness, so it demands a cultural response."

© 2007 The NewStandard. All rights reserved. The NewStandard is a non-profit publisher that encourages noncommercial reproduction of its content. Reprints must prominently attribute the author and The NewStandard, hyperlink to http://newstandardnews.net (online) or display newstandardnews.net (print), and carry this notice. For more information or commercial reprint rights, please see the TNS reprint policy.

(The NewStandard ceased publishing on April 27, 2007.)

Yuki's thoughts: Pretty much says it all, is it not? All these happens on various levels throughout the world actually. I do not wish to live in a world without love, but the situation is, this is exactly the kind of world we are living in now. The future of the transgender community, in on every one's hands. Ditto.

Singapore transsexual battles culture of shame.

Source: http://www.france24.com/france24Public/en/administration/afp-news.html?id=070910060752.6ge8rx3i&cat=null

She loves children and her lifelong dream is to be a wife and a mother, but the raspy voice and masculine frame betray the fact that Leona Lo was born a man.

Unlike many other transsexuals in Asia who prefer to live privately because of the social stigma of sex change, the British-educated, Singaporean transsexual woman has chosen to live a normal life, but in public.

Smart, confident and articulate, the communications specialist who heads her own public relations company has embarked on a mission to help turn around the "culture of shame" surrounding transsexuals in Singapore and the region.

"Somewhere out there, not just in Singapore but throughout Asia, there are lots of young people who are suffering the way I suffered years ago," Leona, 32, tells AFP in an interview.

In her former life as a man, she was called Leonard.

These days, she draws on her experiences of gender identity crisis, rejection and discrimination to challenge social mores on behalf of the so-called silent community.

"It's this entire culture of shame that gets under your skin. It's not something that you can isolate and demolish because it is so much a part of our culture," she says.

While a few transsexuals are gaining prominence in Asia -- notably China's Jin Xing -- most continue to live in silence.

In May, a 32-year-old South Korean transsexual entertainer, whose sex alteration led the country to change its family registry laws, married her rapper boyfriend.

Parinya "Nong Toom" Charoenphol's rags-to-riches story was made into a movie, "Beautiful Boxer." Former Chinese People's Liberation Army colonel and now woman Jin Xing is a prize-winning dancer and choreographer.

Slim and taller than the average local woman, Leona packs charm and gets animated when talking about children.

But her lipsticked mouth creases into a pensive smile when she says: "I can't bear children. I have to be on hormones for life and I have this body structure of a guy."

The hormone treatment has "feminised" the former man. While traces of masculinity are evident, Leona says she has already come to terms with being a woman -- although a transsexual one.

"I can't deny that biologically I'm different," says Leona, wearing a blue dress, the muscles on her shoulders and arms clearly visible.

Discrimination is the biggest challenge faced by transsexuals, she says, recalling repeated rejection by prospective employers in Singapore despite her academic credentials.

"Singapore may be a cosmopolitan city, but many things are still swept under the carpet," Leona says.

No reliable figures on the number of transsexual men and women in Singapore, or the region, are available, mainly because those who feel they have been born in the wrong body prefer to endure their situation in silence rather than embarrass their families, Leona says.

"It's because a lot of transsexual women face discrimination at work and experience failure of relationships that a lot end up in suicide, depression. They end up on the streets as prostitutes," she says.

This is why she has taken time away from her thriving public relations consultancy promoting beauty products to wage her campaign.

After much persuasion, one local university allowed her to speak to an audience of students but she is finding it hard to pry open a window to share her thoughts in the corporate world.

On September 14 she is to launch her autobiography, "From Leonard to Leona -- A Singapore Transsexual's Journey to Womanhood."

From Singapore, Leona plans to travel across Asia to bring her message for greater tolerance of gender diversity.

Medical experts on gender believe transsexualism is a medical condition, and that transsexuals are different from transvestites and homosexuals.

In contrast, transvestites are always males and do not dislike their genitalia although they may derive sexual arousal through dressing as women, Goh said.

For transsexuals, dressing as a man or a woman for one year before a sex change operation is part of the transition process and is not related to any sexual pleasure, the experts say. The surgery is "the finishing touch," Goh wrote.

Leona says the association of transsexuals with prostitution in Singapore harks back to the 1960s when there was a flourishing culture of drag queens, including some transsexuals, on Singapore's Bugis Street.

As Singapore transformed rapidly into a modern Asian business centre, the government cracked down on Bugis Street. Transsexuals were lumped together with homosexuals, transvestites and prostitutes.

It was in this environment that the young Leonard -- Leona's original identity -- grew up.

As early as age 10, Leonard had already started developing feelings for boys.

But he was forced to remain silent because of a dearth of information about transsexualism and for fear his traditional Chinese family would be scandalised.

"I did not think I was gay. I just felt that I was a woman trapped in a man's body," says Leona, who has a younger sister.

At age 15, Leonard discovered a book about transsexualism, which sowed the seeds of his eventual decision to undergo a sex-change operation in 1997.

"I discovered that book in the library and I said 'Oh my God! There are actually people like me!'" she reminisces.

"That changed my life and I discovered that I could go for the sex change operation."

As an able-bodied man, Leonard entered Singapore's compulsory two-year military service at around 19.

Pressures of being forced to be "macho" during the training led to a nervous breakdown and drove him to attempt suicide by drug overdose, she says.

After military service, Leonard in 1996 went to study in Britain, where a more tolerant university environment allowed him to cross-dress for a year as part of his preparation for sex-change surgery.

In 1997, Leonard flew with his tuition money from Britain to Bangkok, where he walked into a clinic for the life-altering operation.

"I was afraid. I could go in and I could die. But I knew at that point that I was going to change my life forever," she recalls.

"I had carried that burden within me for so long and I couldn't live anymore without doing it."

Leona endured a lot of pain during the procedure, which took 14 days, but the feeling of having a new identity was "wonderful, euphoric!"

She warns other transsexuals who might be considering sex change surgery that getting a new identity "is not a magic wand" and they will have to live under a culture of shame and discrimination.

Family support is crucial. Her mother was the first person she told after the operation, and her father had already learned to accept her for who she is.

"By that time, they had already decided that they would rather have me as a woman than lose me as a child," she says.

What is her dream now?

"To be a wife and a mother," she says. "I look forward to a fulfilling relationship with a loving man, getting married and adopting three children.

"I've also reached a critical juncture where I'm more self-assured and finally able to lay to rest the painful aspects of my past and move confidently as a woman."

Yuki's thoughts: An inspiration to me, the work I do, and what we hope to accomplish for the future.

He's My Daughter.

I was going to write about this:

http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2007/9/9/lifefocus/18791364&sec=lifefocus

But then a thought came to me.

This is probably one of the only few articles that talk to us. Other than that, most articles talk about us, without us.

Most articles by the uninitiated and unleant talk like they are experts in who we are without even being trained in the issue of transgenders. They mostly do not even know any of us, It is in fact, tiring and frustrating to have these people not even having dialogues with us, or at least even diligently study about these issues. They just make up their own conclusions with their own minds and call it 'science' based on their own shallow logic.

In Malaysia, there are talk about rehabilitation centres for transgenders, even male hormone therapy for us, which is utterly ridiculous. Perhaps what the article says is true, Malaysia is the worst country for transgenders to live. At least elsewhere in Asia, our talents, education and experience, will be accounted for.

It is my hope, that acceptance for people like us, would happen before I pass on.

Malaysia's Muslim transexuals battle sex change woes.

Some of us sisters are more fortunate than others:

http://today.reuters.co.uk/news/articlenews.aspx?type=featuresNews&storyid=2007-09-03T024445Z_01_KLR290147_RTRIDST_0_LIFESTYLE-MALAYSIA-TRANSEXUALS-DC.XML

By Liau Y-Sing

KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - When Khartini Slamah first came out as a transexual, he was a dutiful Muslim son by day and a prostitute by night, working on the streets of the Malaysian capital.

The option of sex change surgery was out of the question in this moderate Muslim country where Muslim transexuals are banned from changing their gender and same sex relationships are a criminal offence.

"I tried to find a job but because of my sexuality I was turned down," said the 44-year-old former prostitute who now works as an activist and counsellor to other transexuals.

Twenty years later, sex change surgery may be routine in some countries but it's still banned by law in Malaysia -- at least for Muslims. The ruling doesn't apply to non-Muslims who make up about half of the estimated 30,000 transexuals in Malaysia.

The ban stems from an Islamic belief that it is wrong to alter that which God has given. This belief also forbids Muslims from dressing up as the opposite sex and undergoing major cosmetic surgery other than for medical reasons.

Non-Muslims don't have the same problems, although they do sometimes have trouble registering their new gender with the state and like their Muslim counterparts, many have to work as prostitutes as there are few job opportunities for transexuals.

Malaysia's transexuals are in a legal limbo.

In February 2005, a Malaysian court allowed a non-Muslim male transexual to change the gender on his identity card after he showed medical evidence of sex-change by surgery, media reports said at the time.

But later that year, the government declared as invalid the marriage of a couple in which the wife was a non-Muslim man who had undergone sex change surgery, saying it was a same-sex union.

"We are tolerant of them (transexuals). But whether we will have laws that will protect them -- I don't think with the conservative nature of our culture -- that we will," said criminologist P. Sundramoorthy.

For Khartini, dressed in a flowing lilac tunic with his feet squeezed into stiletto heels, the conflict between sexual identity and religion is sometimes too hard to bear.

"We are all in a dilemma. We are Muslims. They say this is not allowed, but they never tell us what are the options. I felt like it's being used to oppress. But I know that religion, Islam is so flexible...," said Khartini, a practicing Muslim.


INNATE OR IMBUED?

Despite its modern exterior, Malaysia remains conservative. Capital Kuala Lumpur -- a bustling metropolis dotted by towering skyscrapers, flashy art galleries and riotous gay bars -- has a deeply religious underbelly.

U.S. singer Gwen Stefani was forced to cover up her usually revealing stage costumes when she performed recently in Kuala Lumpur after Islamic groups expressed fears she could corrupt the country's youth.

Government plans to introduce sex education in schools and to give free needles and condoms to drug addicts provoked a fierce debate, with some religious leaders saying this would promote promiscuity.

The past few decades have seen a rise in religious fervour among Muslims in Malaysia, with an increase in the popularity of Islamic banking and more women eschewing Western attire in favour of traditional Malay dress and headscarves.

Transexuals are still social outcasts, the victims of physical abuse and verbal harassment by the public, police and religious authorities, who advocate counselling and the use of hormone injections to suppress transexuals' inclinations.

"We very much encourage them to return to their original form," said Abdullah Md Zin, a minister for religious affairs. "We cannot accept them."

Transexuals say their preferences are innate.

"There's something biological," said Teh Yik Koon, a criminologist and sociologist. "In my research, there are those as young as three, four years old, who don't feel as if they fit into their assigned gender role."

Few doctors perform gender realignment operations in Malaysia so those seeking the surgery must pay exorbitant prices abroad. Muslims, who make up 60 percent of Malaysia's 26 million population, risk being brought before Islamic courts, which under Malaysian law hear civil cases involving Muslims.

Islamic cleric, Mohamad Asri Zainul Abidin, one of Malaysia's most moderate Muslim leaders believes transexuals should be fined or jailed if counselling proves ineffective at deterring them.

"We must try to reform them and give them advice. We must not allow them to stray," said the cleric. "Imagine if this world were filled with transexuals -- what would happen to the human race?"

Yuki's thoughts: I am proud of Malaysia for its first class facilities. But I am ashamed of Malaysia for its third class mentality.

About transsexuals and Gender Identity Disorder.

These are some of the lastest scientific testimonies in the last few years, closer truths of our core existence. If there are any of you who have other useful links, please do present it:

A Discussion on the Relationship Between Gender Identity And Prenatal Exposure to Diethylstilbestrol (DES) in 46XY Individuals.
http://www3.telus.net/des1/Links.html

Gender Identity Disorders and Bipolar Disorder Associated With the Ring Y Chromosome.
http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/164/7/1122

Genetics Of Sex And Gender Identity.
http://www.scq.ubc.ca/?p=291

Male-to-Female Transsexuals Have Female Neuron Numbers in a Limbic Nucleus.
http://jcem.endojournals.org/cgi/content/full/85/5/2034

Sexual Identity Hard-Wired by Genetics, Study Says.
http://www.ftminfo.net/genetics.html

The Heritability of Gender Identity Disorder in a Child and Adolescent Twin Sample.
http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/klu/bege/2002/00000032/00000004/00377472

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A thoughtful article:
http://www.mermaids.freeuk.com/mc01.html

Britain - Which of these women were born men?
by Chris Morris
Marie Claire
July 2002

Imagine living your live feeling trapped in a man's body, unable to dress, behave or be treated as the person you feel you are. Chris Morris hears the inspiration stories of three male-to-female transsexuals.

What is transsexualism?

One in 10,000 men and one 30,000 women are born transsexual.

Unlike transvestites, who cross-dress occasionally for fun or sexual kicks, transsexuals feel trapped in the wrong body.

One Dutch study believes the condition is caused by an imbalance of the sex hormones that affect the brain's development in the womb at six to nine weeks. This research showed that one small part of a male-to-female transsexual brain is physiologically the same as that of a woman, while the brains of gay and straight men are identical.

How do you change sex?

At least 5,000 people have had a sex-change operation in the UK in the past 30 years.
The sex-change process begins with a referral to a psychiatrist and counselling.
Male transsexuals then start oestrogen treatment, which helps them develop breasts, smoother skin and rounder hips. Body hair is also reduced, while facial heir is removed by electrolysis or laser.

Patients live as a woman for at least a year to prove that they are happy and socially stable in their new role. They must come out at work, but are protected from discrimination by law. During this time, documents such as driving licence and passport are changed to 'female'. Proposals are under way to change birth certificates.
More counselling follows before the three- to four-hour operation on patients over eighteen.
Dr Russell Reid, consultant psychiatrist at London's Hillingdon Hospital, says about 75 per cent of male-to-female transsexuals, striving to live as 'normal' women, have heterosexual male partners.

'When I hit puberty, my erections repulsed me'

*******, 21, works for an Internet company. She had sex-change surgery in October. 'I had the operation to change my body from a man's to a woman's eight months ago. You can get it done on the NHS, but it takes five years, so I took out a bank loan for ?,000 and went private instead.
'I was scared about going into hospital. It's a three-hour operation, which involved removing my testicles and penile tissue, and inverting the penile skin and scrotum to make a vagina. They made a clitoris out of tissue from part of my glans. I had been taking oestrogen for a year to slow my facial hair, but I had to stop taking it a month before the operation. So while they were making my vagina, I was Iying there with a beard.

'The main worry with the operation is something going wrong afterwards, such as deep-vein thrombosis, vaginal prolapse or that the clitoris might be too sensitive or numb. But I just wanted to get it over with. For me, starting the oestrogen treatment a year before had been more important. As well as slowing down my facial hair, it gave me softer skin, small breasts and made my nipples more sensitive.

'I've felt different for as long as I can remember. I was bullied at school for being feminine. When puberty arrived, I was repulsed by my erections and deepening voice. At times I felt suicidal.

'It wasn't until I was nineteen that I understood what being transsexual was. I'd bought a computer and looked it up on websites. It basically meant I was a woman trapped in a man's body - I had a female brain. Until then, I thought it was just the weirdos you saw on The Jerry Springer Show. I sat there almost shouting: "That's me! That's me!" as I read people's stories.

'I told my mum a few months later. I'd been dressing up in secret and one I day she caught me wearing one of her dresses. I sat on the sofa and burst into tears. It took six months for her to understand what it was I wanted. But she did some research and she's great now.

'I was officially diagnosed as a transsexual in August 2000 and referred to psychiatrists. As well as starting the hormone treatment, I had to live as a woman full-time for a year to prove to them that I'd be happy in the female role. "********" is what my mum would have called me if I'd been born a girl.

'It's cost me around ?5,000 to change sex. That includes the psychiatry bills, the operation and electrolysis and laser sessions to remove the rest of my facial hair. I need up to ten sessions for it to be permanent and I'll need speech therapy to feminise my voice. It's been worth every penny, though. There are still a few things that get me down, like having to shave twice a week and rub oestrogen gel on my breasts to help them grow, but I'm happy with myself now.

'I didn't have any expectations about the results of my operation, but Mum said she was impressed. At first, my vagina was very swollen. Even now, I have to use a special instrument a sort of medical dildo - which I insert once a day for fifteen minutes to stop it healing up. It used to be three times a day, first with a small one, then with a big one.

'For a while after the op. my body didn't know what sex was, even if my brain did. However, I'm able to have sex again now, which I'm very happy about physically. I'm a bisexual female and I'm in a relationship with another male-to-female transsexual. My sex drive is less urgent than it used to be and I don't think about sex all the time. I can orgasm and the sensation is much the same as when I was a man. I don't miss my penis. It's just been changed to a different shape. 'Nobody would choose to go I through this. But I've never once thought about changing my mind. It's what I've had to do _ to be happy.'

'Coming out was very frightening'

***********, 22, is a website designer. She realised she was transsexual at nineteen, and is now living as a woman while waiting for sex-change surgery. 'Before I knew I was transsexual, i went through years of pain. I thought I must be gay, bisexual or a transvestite, and often felt suicidal. It's only now that I'm living as a woman that I finally feel comfortable with myself.

'I expect to have my sex-change operation in August. By then, I'll have completed my "real-life" test by living as a female for a year. I was diagnosed as transsexual last August and I've been ******** ever since. I've always known I'm different - I used to buy clothes from Top Shop and try them on in secret - so although it's scary, it's a relief, too. The day I was prescribed female hormones, I literally ran to the chemist so l could start taking them.

'The real-life test is the hardest bit for any transsexual because it involves coming out, which is very frightening. My dad doesn't talk about it much, but I know he wants me to be happy. My older brother says he's proud of me and my colleagues have been great. I told them by e-mail and got messages back saying: "Good luck" and "You're so brave".

'Men do behave differently to me now. They open doors and I've even had wolf whistles, but that's just funny. My sexuality is lesbian.

'I know now that a genital defect I was born with has contributed to my transsexualism. One of my testicles didn't descend properly because of hormone imbalances in my mum's womb, which is often the case with transsexuals. Although I'm taking out a loan for the operation, it's worth it as I'm 90 per cent comfortable with the way I am now and the operation will just complete the change.

'When people stare at me, I still get worried that they've guessed and will say something. It hasn't happened yet, though. After coming this far, the most important lesson I've learned is to do whatever makes me feel comfortable. Otherwise, I don't know where I'd be.'

'I'll have my sperm frozen'

*********, sixteen, is about to do a beauty therapy course. She Is on hormone treatment and hopes to have sex-change surgery when she's 21. 'I became ****** - the female ********* - on my sixteenth birthday.

I kept my male name because it sounds feminine, too. The night before, I had my hair braided, a manicure and leg wax, and went to bed in a nightie. The next day, I put on a gel-filled bra, skirt, top and platform shoes. Looking in the mirror was such a thrill.

'When I was twelve, I wrote my mum a letter, saying I should have been born a girl. She was in tears when she read it and said I was confused. We talked it over for days before getting professional advice. A gender specialist told me it could just be puberty. However, if it was something deeper, I'd have to wait until I was sixteen to start changing sex legally, and eighteen till I could have the op. But over the next four years, my feelings just got stronger.

'When I turned sixteen, I started having injections to suppress my testosterone. That helped, but I had terrible mood swings.

'Since I've started dressing as a girl, I get a lot of male attention. I'm a straight female inside and I fancy men, but i know I can't see anybody right now in case it gets physical, so I just flirt. The other day, this man offered to carry my shopping and started chatting me up. He'd actually known me as male *********, but didn't realise.

'My mum does wonder if I've made the decision too early. She'd like grandchildren, so I plan to have sperm frozen before the op that can be used to fertilise the egg of a surrogate mum.

'My grandparents say I'll always be their grandson, which upsets me. I hate being reminded I was a boy. Every time I have a bath I'm reminded and get depressed.

'It's not easy living like this. I used to get angry that other teenagers had "normal" lives, but the feeling isn't half as bad now that I know who I am.'

The operation

During gender-reassignment surgery erectiie tissue is removed from the penis, leaving the urethra (for urination) and part of the nerves of the glans (to form a clitoris).
An incision is made through the perineum' end skin from the penis and scrotum is turned inwards to form the vagina and labia.
Healing takes up to three months During this time the patient has to use a medical dilator to stop their vagina closing up. The use~decreases over time, but can last for several years.

For further help

Mermaids is a support group for young transsexuals and their families. For more information visit http://www.mermaids.freeuk.com or call 07020-935066
The Beaumont Society is a transgendered support group. For help or advice call its information line on 01582-41220.
Press For Change campaigns for equal civil and legal rights for transsexuals. Visit http://www.pfc.org.uk for more details.

© 2002 - Marie Claire

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