I am in Thailand now, a few days shy of my SRS. This is my 100th post ironically. And this may be my last. My husband had sent an e-mail requesting my operation to be cancelled. I do not know how to feel now. Should I laugh? Should I cry? I really feel like jumping in front of my bus here and just end it at the worse. Or I may just work here as a cheap showgirl, or return back to Malaysia and cut my hair. In any other case, my life would never be the same again. Never ever.
I just say I hope he can spare me something for my lawyer fees but a simple solution like asking me to move to a cheaper area is beyond him. Instead he feels ending my life is the best one. I have my plans. I got a job waiting for me end of September. I have made arrangements to settle my financial crisis. But all these is to no avail. Now I have to go back and say I cannot work. I probably would lose my car and room. And worse, I had lost my husband at once. And I lost me.
I do not think I can bring myself to face me in the mirror anymore. So I bid all of you, farewell. To everyone, thank you for sharing my journey all alond. Take care LGBTs, wherever you are.
The verdict for the SRS is a postponement. As after the grace I extended to my husband is met with a heart of stone, so is our marriage. He has hurt me by throwing every excuse and reason to end our relationship. Baseless accusations of abuse, cheating, and innability to 'afford' me has placed our relationship on the grave. Even if he changes his mind today and I proceed with the SRS, I must admit that my heart is left with no more love to give him for hurting me this way.
All my plans to give my husband the ultimate bitch on Christmas eve period seems like a foolish girl's child's play now. Perhaps it is the immaturity of my imagination of wanting to fabricate such illusion that my husband would appreciate it. And with my SRS postponed, I must go back to the nightmare of starting back where I started before when I came out for good early 2006.
My fairy tale ending is gone. My prince charming will never rescue me and this transsexual female will never be secure and safe in female flesh. It is time to chart my own course of life.