Monday, July 14, 2008
Some will be reposted on Yuki's new blogsite (see link below).
Big thanks to all my friends and fans from all over the world.
For the fresh continuation of the journeys, please go to www.yukishock.blogspot.com .
Regards, Yuki Choe. : )
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
I just say I hope he can spare me something for my lawyer fees but a simple solution like asking me to move to a cheaper area is beyond him. Instead he feels ending my life is the best one. I have my plans. I got a job waiting for me end of September. I have made arrangements to settle my financial crisis. But all these is to no avail. Now I have to go back and say I cannot work. I probably would lose my car and room. And worse, I had lost my husband at once. And I lost me.
I do not think I can bring myself to face me in the mirror anymore. So I bid all of you, farewell. To everyone, thank you for sharing my journey all alond. Take care LGBTs, wherever you are.
The verdict for the SRS is a postponement. As after the grace I extended to my husband is met with a heart of stone, so is our marriage. He has hurt me by throwing every excuse and reason to end our relationship. Baseless accusations of abuse, cheating, and innability to 'afford' me has placed our relationship on the grave. Even if he changes his mind today and I proceed with the SRS, I must admit that my heart is left with no more love to give him for hurting me this way.
All my plans to give my husband the ultimate bitch on Christmas eve period seems like a foolish girl's child's play now. Perhaps it is the immaturity of my imagination of wanting to fabricate such illusion that my husband would appreciate it. And with my SRS postponed, I must go back to the nightmare of starting back where I started before when I came out for good early 2006.
My fairy tale ending is gone. My prince charming will never rescue me and this transsexual female will never be secure and safe in female flesh. It is time to chart my own course of life.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Brain scans have provided the most compelling evidence yet that being gay or straight is a biologically fixed trait. (emphasis added)
The scans reveal that in gay people, key structures of the brain governing emotion, mood, anxiety and aggressiveness resemble those in straight people of the opposite sex.
The differences are likely to have been forged in the womb or in early infancy, says Ivanka Savic, who conducted the study at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden.
"This is the most robust measure so far of cerebral differences between homosexual and heterosexual subjects," she says.
Previous studies have also shown differences in brain architecture and activity between gay and straight people, but most relied on people's responses to sexuality driven cues that could have been learned, such as rating the attractiveness of male or female faces.
To get round this, Savic and her colleague, Per Lindström, chose to measure brain parameters likely to have been fixed at birth.
"That was the whole point of the study, to show parameters that differ, but which couldn't be altered by learning or cognitive processes," says Savic.
First they used MRI scans to find out the overall volume and shapes of brains in a group of 90 volunteers consisting of 25 heterosexuals and 20 homosexuals of each gender.
The results showed that straight men had asymmetric brains, with the right
hemisphere slightly larger – and the gay women also had this asymmetry. Gay men,
meanwhile, had symmetrical brains like those of straight women.
The team next used PET scans to measure blood flow to the amygdala, part of the brain that governs fear and aggression. The images revealed how the amygdala connected to other parts of the brain, giving clues to how this might influence behaviour.
They found that the patterns of connectivity in gay men matched those of straight women, and vice versa (see image, above right). In straight women and gay men, the connections were mainly into regions of the brain that manifest fear as intense anxiety.
"The regions involved in phobia, anxiety and depression overlap with the pattern we see from the amygdala," says Savic.
This is significant, she says, and fits with data showing that women are three times as likely as men to suffer from mood disorders or depression. Gay men have higher rates of depression too, she says, but it's difficult to know whether this is down to biology, homophobia or simply feelings of being "different".
In straight men and lesbians, the amygdala fed its signals mainly into the sensorimotor cortex and the striatum, regions of the brain that trigger the "fight or flight" response. "It's a more action-related response than in women," says Savic.
"This study demonstrates that homosexuals of both sexes show strong cross-sex shifts in brain symmetry," says Qazi Rahman, a leading researcher on sexual orientation at Queen Mary college, University of London, UK.
"The connectivity differences reported in the amygdala are striking."
"Paradoxically, it's more informative to look at things that have no direct connection with sexual orientation, and that's where this study scores," says Simon LeVay, a prominent US author who in 1991 reported finding differences (pdf) in a part of the brain called the hypothalamus between straight and gay men.
But as Savic herself acknowledges, the study can't say whether the brain differences are inherited, or result from abnormally high or low exposure in the womb to sex hormones such as testosterone.
Journal reference: Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (DOI:
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Singapore, known for its glamorous first world city lifestyle displays third world mentality in the guise of the Media Development Authority (MDA), the country's primary moral guardian over presentation of arts and media in the republic. Earlier this decade, depictions of LGBT as a natural progression of society were banned or censored by the MDA from any arts and media broadcast within its jurisdiction.
Taiwan's highest grossing movie of 2004 “Formula 17”, a gay themed romantic comedy was banned from Singapore screenings for its potrayal of a “homosexual utopia, where everyone, including passersby, is homosexual and no ills or problems are reflected”. This starts a sad premise where true positive lives of LGBTs in the world today are considered unfit to be discussed and should be removed from existence.
The mantra supposedly changed in 2006 when the MDA chose to relax on its censorship in order to market itself as a arts and media centre for the region. This move allows top LGBT movies being shown uncut such as "Brokeback Mountain" and "Transamerica" in 2006. As recent as last year however, the MDA decided to grow a branch a year back in time.
A two-week exhibition of 80 same-sex kissing photos was cancelled after the MDA rejected the license on the grounds of “promoting the homosexual lifestyle” late last year. Early this year, part of the Oscar award acceptance speech by director Cynthia Wade for her documentary "Freeheld" was censored on its repeated broadcast because of its mention of equal rights for same-sex attracted individuals. Then the high profile LGBT documentary “A Jihad For Love” was also banned from public viewing.
From strictness, MDA then shows its absurdity, when they recently fined StarHub Cable Vision $10,000 Singaporean dollars for airing a commercial presenting a new song by artiste Olivia Yan called “Silly Child” which depicts two lesbians innocently kissing. The statement by the MDA reads:
The commercial which was to promote a song by the singer, 阎韦伶(Olivia), was aired on MTV Mandarin Channel on 26 and 28 November 2007. Within the commercial, romanticised scenes of two girls kissing were shown and it portrayed the relationship as acceptable. This is in breach of the TV advertising guidelines, which disallows advertisements that condone homosexuality.
MDA also consulted the Advisory Committee for Chinese Programmes and the Committee concurred that the commercial had promoted lesbianism as acceptable and romantic, especially when shown together with the lyrics featured.
In that same month, MDA fined MediaCorp TV Channel 5 $15,000 Singapore dollars for airing a home improvement show called "Find and Design" that featured a gay couple who wants to renovate their game room into a nursery for their baby. The MDA statement here reads:
The programme "Find and Design" is a home and decor series and in the episode concerned, the host helps a gay couple to transform their game room into a new nursery for their adopted baby. The episode contained several scenes of the gay couple with their baby as well as the presenter's congratulations and acknowledgement of them as a family unit in a way which normalises their gay lifestyle and unconventional family setup. This is in breach of the Free-to-Air TV Programme Code which disallows programmes that promote, justify or glamourise gay lifestyles.
MDA also consulted the Programme Advisory Committee for English Programmes (PACE) and the Committee was also of the view that a gay relationship should not be presented as an acceptable family unit. As the programme was shown on a Sunday morning, PACE felt that this was inappropriate as such a timeslot was within family viewing hours.
This two cases shows a blatant lack of knowledge and understanding of the homosexual condition as a sexual orientation by a shallow media guardian. It is deeply regretful for the LGBT community in Singapore who is still trying to find an illusive dignified social position in the republic, to be swept under the carpet by governmental agencies such as the MDA. Media is supposed to represent truth, and recent events portray the MDA as unable to accept and realise the unsurmountable truth: that homosexuals are normal human beings and exist in equivalence to any heterosexual conditions.
The Singapore MDA sent a loud and clear message to the world; any representation of homosexuals as sensitive individuals capable of love or as a capable well-adjusted family unit is not to be tolerated. Ignorance to the existence of gays and lesbians as ordinary human beings is to be educated. And self-praising in the form of a rap video is the way to go while the artistry and talent of LGBT is to be shipped to Australia. Interesting step backward indeed, for an agency bent on proving their nation's worth as a international media hub.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
There is also the difficulty of interest. When the International Day Against Homophobia was announced, everywhere else in the world except Asia remembers the dead, respects the day, ponders over any chances of hate crime laws being created and passed, passionate about educating the general public about the ill-conceptions of society in regards to homosexuality and transgenderism and so forth. The PT Foundation is holding a fund-raising party this weekend for it.
Yes, PARTY. Everyone in Asia do not want to hear about the bullying, the murders, the dead. It is like the HIV/AIDS issue. The thinking here is, it is none of my business or it could never happen to me. No one here is fighting for any rights. In fact, as a single personal blog owner I was able to reach out to an audience Edmund Smith (RLM) and his sister would envy, and it is just because people are curious about me as a transsexual and interested with the scientific truths and facts I presented. Otherwise, most of this country, whether straight or gay, could not be bothered about us.
Whether on this side as a professional writer and TS advocate, or on that side an amateur unlicensed therapist and an aspiring singer; we both have an audience. And fortunately for me, my audience are intelligent enough to see through the lies and ultra-nonsensical musings of places like RLM to the point they tell me: WE KNOW! Anything new you want to share with us, like maybe Edmund is spotted cruising in a gay bar or something, then tell us! But alas, the international audience are still curious to know about the RLM's wacky world. As such, I no longer write about them in this blog.
From maintaining a blog to advocacy work to dispelling ex-gay myth, there is plenty to write about as all can see. But sometimes you just need the time. I am still having some ideas for the latest movie review on “Iron Man”, but unfortunately the movie is still on screen. As you all know from my last movie review, spoilers are really proudly on display! Then there is the edition of Yuki's Funnies. There is the Top 10 Ex-Gay Excuses On Why A Person Is Gay, which of course includes Melvin Wong's boy got sexually abused and Edmund Smith's boy got cross dressed by mother.
If only I have the time to write all these great stuff. But my SRS being just one month and a bit more away, I really do not know how. I am also struggling to finish my personal Thai lessons at home and I am not in a decent weight yet. Perhaps I should ask for some tips from my sister Grog from “The Cracked Crystal Ball II” who seems to be blogging everyday! And all her posts are so strong in content and opinions I really wonder how she did it. Another is Cracker Lilo from “Cracker Lilo's Front Porch”. She is so deep into words, and there is so much variety and content.
Perhaps the greatest one of them all I consider would be Peterson Toscano's blog “Peterson Toscano's A Musing". Please remember this fine handsome gentleman with the ability to make you laugh especially on your ex-gay struggles; travels a lot (sometimes overseas) for shows and interviews and seminars, and I believe his appointment calender is probably full. But he still finds the time to blog at least almost everyday. Unbelievable. And while I have to slowly maintain my English to respectable degree, Peterson seems to already have gift in writing as well as in speaking.
Oh, before I forget, do read his latest post “Diverse Approaches Reveal Complexity of Ex-Gay World”. It is one of my favourites, exploring just how big a fallacy ex-gay ministries are when you really take a closer look. And yes, I do still manage to find some time to read blogs. As well as you can see now I am squeezing some time to announce to you all that: Hey, I am still alive. God bless everyone. Anyway, I have to go for my dinner now. Got some things to do tomorrow morning, then in the evening I have a seminar to catch. Yep, busy lady I am. But of course, I will be back. : )
Friday, May 2, 2008
"It is essential that if you are gay, you go to a therapist who is trained in dealing with these types of issues, who has a clear understanding of where they stand when it comes to issues of sexual orientation. Otherwise you have the person's own stigma, own prejudices, coming in the way of your therapy and that is the last thing you want to do."
Question and Think next time you plan to bring someone (or someone asks you) to go to an ex-gay ministry or a reparative therapist.
Which is myth and which is truth? Just one example will do.
The American Academy of Pediatrics
The American Counseling Association
The American Psychiatric Association
The American Psychological Association
The National Association of School Psychologists
The National Association of Social Workers
"477,000 health and mental health professionals, have all taken the position that homosexuality is not a mental disorder, and thus there is no need for a “cure.” "This is the current medical and scientific psychological opinion.
"the idea that homosexuality is a mental disorder, or that the emergence of same-gender sexual desires among some adolescents is in any way abnormal or mentally unhealthy, has no support among health and mental health professional organizations."
Ex-gay ministries would have you believe that this is created by a pro-gay "agenda". It is so easy to believe them if you share their dogmatic musings and shallow minds.
But think for a moment, would it be much easier for about 95% of the heterosexual population of the world to pressure these medical professionals to change the stance?
Even the 35% percent of the Christian population of the world could do that, right?
But no, there is no "agenda" that created such strong stance from these experts of their field; it is born of decades of pure peer reviewed research and studies. Even the 1,000 plus NARTH tried to change this last year by annoying the American Psychological Association (APA) but unfortunately they would not budge.
Because everyone now knows this is the TRUTH.
"As these statements make clear, health and mental health professional organizations do not support efforts to change young people’s sexual orientation through “reparative therapy” and have raised serious concerns about its potential to do harm."Check out stories on Beyond Ex-Gay on those who have gone through ex-gay ministries and other reparative therapy methods and survived the experience. Some are even the former leaders of such ministries in the past, but had made public apologies since. Maybe it is time for the current leaders to admit their white lies.
Monday, April 21, 2008
For the past few years, I had seen many people I admired all throughout the world pass away. Lydia Shum being one example, the Hong Kong actress whom I grew up with watching “It's A Mad, Mad World”. It gave me the stark realization that these figures died at an old age, all over 60. When I was watching “Blue Thunder”, Roy Schneider and Lydia Shum were only in their 50s and 40s respectively. It also made me realize how old I was then, I was barely 10. Here at the age of 32, I am coming to terms with my growing up and reaching the probable halfway mark of my life now.
When I was in my teens, Captain Steve Bruce, Mr. Reliable Denis Irwin, Bryan Robson, Andrei Kanchelskis, Brian McClair and Mark Hughes were my football idols in the super team line-up of Manchester United I supported then by the turn of the 90s. Those days they were like a set of much older brothers, hitting the ball all over the place between the old English Division One till the days of the inaugural English Premier League. I still remember how Sir Alex Ferguson nearly got sacked, how young he looked then, players he bought and players he sacked. Yes, he was young.
In the mid 90's when I reached my young adulthood, and grew up together with players my age, the five England lions; Nicky Butt, Gary and Phil Neville, David Beckham, Paul Scholes. And another a year older, Ryan Giggs. All under the tutorship of the big brother Eric Cantona. Those were an exciting period, reaching up to the peak of the Champions' League, English Premier League and FA Cup treble at 1999 before the turn of the century. I stress again, they were around my age. Those were the days of inspiration. Now all but Scholes of the England five lions remain in Manchester.
Ryan Giggs, the most decorated player in the history of the Premier League, is now toiling going to his mid thirties. And now, I am supporting kids. Yes, no kidding. From the days when Sir Alex Ferguson took over from Ron Atkinson starting 1986, I was supporting some men old enough to be my father, then grew up with those my age in the 90s. Now I am excited in the prospects of Luis Nani (22) and Ronaldo (23). If football (or soccer in the US) were to be my benchmark, then I have indeed grown 22 football years as a Manchester United supporter. And how time flies, mind you.
And suddenly it dawned to me how the years have gone by so fast. From a insecure female soul living in a boy shell, to a blossoming lady now married to a rugged but kind Australian. From sitting in an old Volkswagen beside my dad I am now driving a humble Proton Wira. From a virgin, I do not remember how many men or women I had been with. From writing for the old Malaysian post newspaper I am now writing on my own blogsite here and the international Ex-Gay Watch. From the ugly pimple faced boy who was branded gay, I am now recognized as an attractive lady.
I am no longer too shy to defend myself against verbal and physical attacks by people. I am not longer afraid of prejudice and discrimination by churches and society. I am no longer the person to be manipulated and shaped according to what people want me to be. And most importantly, in a couple of months time, I am no longer bearing the pain of having something that had caused so much suffering in my life prior to my 30s. In fact, I realized I only truly began to grow up only once I had known how to deal with Gender Identity Disorder. Result? I am a much happier person now.
Though I am sad the years gone by in which I could have done something to prevent being defined by how people viewed me, I am at least now back on the right track. It is better to wake up now then some transsexuals who are well into their 40s right? Though I am regretful to have the peak of my transition with SRS only in my 30s and not 20s, but I do know many are not as fortunate as me to be able to do it even now, and it is all thanks to my husband. I do not know what the future would bring on to me, but I have survived thus far. I guess I am ready for more of what life has to offer.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Losing my sister is probably one of the signs of changes in my life. Just barely two weeks ago, we were still joking around my ex-employer's office. We were still planning what to do with her wedding. One of our colleagues we were very close to was leaving, and at the last day of his work we all had a nice steamboat dinner together. I missed the second round of their party in a Karaoke centre, but being ill means I really wish I were to be home. Then barely few days later, she ran away and possibly will never come back into our lives. Suddenly, I no longer have a family here.
The knowledge that she cheated all of us was unbearable for the four of us; the fiancee, my ex-boss, our one good friend and me were unwilling victims to an illusion of an pitiful angel she created for us to see. Having loved her and cared for her unconditionally, it was disappointing for her to have used all of us. She is in the end selfish, and her decision will bear consequences for herself while we all get on with our lives. It would take some getting used to, suddenly not having someone I had treated with so much love and dignity, but I do know some friendships just do not last till old age.
I will be leaving Malaysia to Australia and stay there for an unknown period of time, perhaps years with my husband. I admitted to my husband that I found Australia unbearable because I missed Malaysia. Both have its good points and bad points, but the crux of the matter is that I am so used to the Malaysian environment. The roads, the shops, the shopping complexes and mostly the food. In my commitment to be with my husband, I am resigned to another different culture; one I hope I am able to adapt to. It would be so different, so quiet. But with a promise of a tolerant and nice society.
My husband has planned a move to Perth, and with it the weather should be more bearable than my days at Darwin. I am really seriously moving into an environment I know nothing about, especially barely knowing my husband. But seeing how well he treated me for the past months I am back in Malaysia seems to justify he is indeed trustworthy. And his strive to give me a better future makes me appreciate him even more. I do not know what would happen in the coming years of my life with him, but I do know very well whatever happens I am going to stick around as his best friend.
I am looking forward for my SRS. But of course, I do have thoughts on how I would feel after the surgery. Like a finger that is cancerous and needs to be cut off, my penis had been with me for 32 years. It needs to be off me, but no doubt I will miss it. I will miss my silly antics with it, including trying to remove it with my drawer back when I was a child. I will miss adjusting it so it seems inexistent every time I put on my clothes. In fact, I will miss the shame I had of having it. I was grossly insulted by it. I feel it was on my way of wearing a bikini set. I am going to miss killing it.
There is also a move on the way I live my life. I am now spending more time at home in my room. I have turned into a homegirl. I seldom go out to drink. Though the past week I drank a lot in depression because of my godsister's out-of-my-life experience, I do not enjoy alcoholic drinks like I used to. In fact, in the past month I mostly feel lazy to go out, and resigned myself on the comfort of a sofa and watching my favourite shows such as “House” and all the “Crime Scene Investigation” episodes from Las Vegas to Miami. I am becoming quite a couch potato these days.
I know the hurt of losing my sister will die off in time. I guess since there are going to be so many changes in my life soon in terms of body, country, culture, environment and lifestyle there is too many things on my mind right now. With it, a continuous learning process on how to be a better writer. I do wish to be a Yoga and Pilates specialist, and aspire to be a trainer one day. I really am in a fix on what the future brings soon for this stranger going to a strange land. But somehow I know I had gone through worse in my life. Things still should pick up in my life. After all, life is beautiful.
Monday, April 7, 2008
I find all these very silly indeed. I had a chat with my friend recently about her and we both agree, we should stop making assumptions and just listen to what she had to say. And she finally uttered this sentence, “By the time I was 15 I wanted to be in control of my life. I fought back”. This sentence seemed to be virtually ignored by every person reading her story. In fact, many quarters still wishes to define her for herself when she is already in control of her life. In fact, everyone is trying to act like they know her, still repeating the really annoying dogma of “Blame the father!”.
She was 15 when she decided to take control of her life. I wish I had the courage and determination to do so at that age. When I was her age, until a few years back I was still being controlled by people; parents, church members, friends, teachers and boyfriends/girlfriends. They imposed what they believed was for the good of me when it made me a severely confused girl who is trying to be a boy to please everyone. Whatever I do was taken under scrutiny. In the process, I lost the soul of what makes me, me. I became the parody of each and everyone's definition of the surname “Choe”.
If I had chose to stop listening too much to people at that age, and start to question and think for myself, I would have a hard a life as a transsexual female at a very young age. But at least I know I would be happy. But knowing that at 30 plus I am finally in control of my life makes me realise it is not too late. And of course, there are the usual ridiculous assumptions of what made me “become” this way; “Must be the mother”, “She had been sexually abused”, “The last girlfriend must have hurt this person so badly”, and a host of other fallacy of ambiguities. All post hoc, ergo propter hoc.
I took control of my life as Sufiah Yusuf did. I wish I had the maturity to do so at her age. But at least I am on my way. Sufiah Yusuf is now happy in her career and we all should just leave her alone. We talk so much about “blame the father”, but are we not doing the same things the father did? The father pressured her when she was too young to be a math prodigy, did we not say that? And look what we are doing now. We are pressuring her to “repent” and we made out her story like a personal disaster movie; but she already stated that she is happy her life had turned out this way.
And what is wrong with being a escort? The calls of “sin” again? Are we not sinful too? And I sincerely ask every women reading my humble blog here this question. Since most of us Malaysia women would also have our chance encounters with men until we slept with them for the night, which is better, to give men sex for free or to give men sex for money? This is a controversial subject, but just think. How many one night stands had some of us women had with just a “mamak” supper to show for. If we call her a “hooker” for earning her kind of money, what about us then?
Let us all just respect her for her decision. Who are we to judge her? Are we giving her money to use in United Kingdom? Are we feeding her or clothing her? For goodness sake, she is taking care of her own life. It is time we should leave her alone. We would bear consequences of our own fallen nature, and similarly would not like to be judged in the same manner. And she is smart enough to know she cannot be in this field of work forever. And we cannot live forever without taking care of ourselves too. It is insane trying to control or define Sufiah Yusuf when we do not even know her.
It is time for us to stop condemning or pitying or judging her. It is time for us to start listening to her, because she is happy in her life. We would be ultra shallow to resort to condescending remarks about her when we have our own problem and our lives to live. How would we feel if we were to be under the same scrutiny and being defined by everyone around us? We surely would not like that. To Sufiah Yusuf, I give you my sincere high 5 . You are a very brave young woman. Even though everyone thinks you are crazy, you are an inspiration to me. Take care, all the best for the future.
Selective wit and wisdom of Sufiah Yusuf (Shilpa Lee):
"People think escorting is sleazy and terrible but I don’t see it like that,”
"I hate this stereotype society has of escorts as being exploited. It is so far from the truth. My clients treat me like a princess. One guy took me shopping on Bond Street. He bought me a beautiful black Gucci dress for £300 (RM1,920) and then took me to Selfridges, where I could pick a handbag I liked.”
"As I grew older, I began to clash with my father. He was violent at times. He pushed me so far academically, I became more confident for any girl my age. I grew up too quickly.”
"Oxford was an amazing place but I was too young. By the time I was 15, I wanted to be in control of my life. I fought back,”
"I have never felt so confident about my body and I’ve had some of the best sex of my life”
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
The night before, the staff of my home pub Dragon Zone (formerly known as Face 2) threw me a sort of surprise party. I drank myself to the ground that day, for it would probably be the last day I drink, a bit over 3 months to go for my Sex Reassignment Surgery. I may not even touch another single drink again after that, for I am just not a drinker and really bored of all the daze while drinking and the headaches the day after. The PR Ah Yen even bought me a CJ7 doll as a gift.
Thursday the 20th March, it was a joyous reunion with my sister LY. I call a lot of people my sister, but that is on a friendship basis, and some because it was a nick for transgenders. She was however, the only person whom I would treat as my real sister at the least in my life. She is the only one of few people I have left to call my family. Having not seen her for almost 3 years, she sure changed a lot. And I am sure I changed even more since the last time she saw me I was still a troubled boy!
When we hugged each other near the new wing second floor escalator at Sunway Pyramid, reality hit me. I really loved this woman. She was the first to 'notice' the girl me that was undefined. We had a nice lunch at the Marakesh in a Chinese Restaurant before we went shopping together. I am still shy to let her see me try on some clothes I planned to buy, but deep in my heart, I know I had always been her sister, and she accepted it. It was nice chit chat journey driving her home too.
Monday 17th was also extra special. I expected it, and it finally come. Responses to my article on Ex-Gay Watch. It was strangely special because it was comments from people from Real Love Ministry. I am of course curious at why Edmund Smith could not come out and be accountable to his ex-gay myth, and needed to rely on cronies to do his bidding. Oh well, that is what brainwashing and indoctrination does anyway, judging by their dogmatic overtures. It was fun debunking them.
Sunday the 16th was a true karaoke bash. 8 of my ex-colleagues attended it, and we had a heck of a time at Neway Galaxie. There were so many new songs we sang, so many moments to cherish. There were MTV Karaoke versions to the songs “Hips Don't Lie” and “Zombie” to my surprise. The sound system in the extra large room was superb too. Since I had not been to a Karaoke room environment for a long time, this was an exhilarating experience for me, especially the music.
Not only they spent me, but they gave me a gift I shall never forget. A new Manchester United jersey! I believe it is a Class B jersey since I saw that it is made in Thailand, but I loved it all the same. We had a swell time and when the night was almost over, the whole floor of the Karaoke room was wet (luckily the management did not hold us responsible). The event ended with my best friend drunk and we call it an early night. My night ended having supper with my good friend B.
This was the one week buildup to my birthday yesterday. There were a lot of wishes all over Facebook and Friendster, and from some parts of the world (If you are reading this, thanks for the Beatles birthday song Peterson, I mean it!). There were SMSes and calls. It was another wonderful day yesterday, especially reading news of Manchester United's triumph in the newspapers. I wrapped up my night by finishing another article for Ex-Gay Watch. Yep, on writing form indeed.
I would like to have this opportunity to thank all the people who had made my life so wonderful this past week. I know you do not wish I mention names, so I would of course keep the privacy thingy. Even though my husband cannot share it with me, this had really been one of the most beautiful weeks of my life leading up to my birthday. You will all be in my heart, my writings and my life. I will continue to hold on to these sweet memories as long as I live. I am forever your girl. Ditto.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
"Please pray for Vivienne @ Yuki. He is a transgender (male wanting to be female). He is aggressively moving from one website to another (internationally) trying to ruin the name of Ps Edmund and Real Love Ministry. Pray for Jesus to touch him."
Gosh, I am so touched. Let us all pray for him, his wife and Real Love Ministry too!
Please pray for both Pastor Edmund Lawrence Smith and Pastor Amuamanda Smith (I respectfully call them their full names) to be able to learn to call me by my name Vivienne Yuki Choe instead of adding the annoying @.
Please pray for both of them to read more about Harry Benjamin Syndrome or Gender Identity Disorder, and also what is a transgender from authorative sources. That is why psychiatrists calls me girl, and do we really want to listen to personal dogma based on no facts?
Please pray for both of them concentrate on my writings for only three sites, “Ex-Gay Watch” in which I am now a writer, my personal blogsite “The Journey Of Yuki”, and the advocacy site “Reflections Asia”, and make them realise I had no time to write for other sites.
Please pray they stop being lazy to study on latest research on Homosexuality and Transgenders.
Please pray they read what I write before condemning me of spending too much on Real Love Ministry, as I have other articles they seem to not appreciate about other ex-gay ministries.
Please pray for Pastor Edmund's CDs to sell well because he may be only be parroting non-sense, but he did it to support his two kids.
Please pray for Our Saviour to touch them so that they can see they are actually not reading my other interesting articles which may benefit them for their ministry.
Please pray for both these pastors to start acting like pastors.
Please pray for Pastor Edmund's credibility, because after he lost it last year he is becoming desperate.
Please pray for Pastor Amuamanda to stop being a Christian extremist.
Please pray for their children because they are growing up being the children of an ex-gay man.
Please pray for both of them to stop calling me a he, because I am already more manly then Pastor Edmund (tounge-in-cheek!).
Please pray for both of them to be diligent in distributing factual information instead of parroting misrepresentation of homosexuals and transgenders.
Please pray for both of them for the discernment to separate what is transgender and what is transsexual.
Please pray for both of them to stop accusing me of ruining their name, when they already ruined their own names by perpetuating dogma instead of facts.
Please pray for them that they stop making fool of themselves then come blame it on 'pro-gays'.
Please pray that they begin to open their eyes and see that this is only the 8th post out of 90 about them in my site, and that I have a life, and that of all I write for the benefit LGTs.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
She is Parinya Kiatbusaba (or Parinya Charoenphol), better known to all of us as Nong Tum.
In one of her most notable fights >.
In her final fight. In the movie 'Beautiful Boxer', it is mentioned that it is after this fight in which she is starting to feel conflicted with her love for Muay Thai, her treatment by fight organizers as a circus show and her wanting to be her true girl self. It was then she withdrew from the sport under pressure from Muay Thai traditions of not allowing females to fight and complete her SRS.
The trailer for the movie "Beautiful Boxer". The movie won tons of allocades including Best Actor at the Thai Academy Awards for Asanee Suwan who played Nong Tum, and several other international awards such as:
- Torino International Gay & Lesbian Film Festival – Best Feature Film, winner (2004)
- Thailand National Film Association Awards – Best Actor Asanee Suwan, winner; Best Makeup Kraisorn Sampethchareon, winner (2004)
- San Sebastián International Film Festival – Sebastian Award, winner (2004)
- Milan International Lesbian and Gay Film Festival – Best Film, winner (2004)
- Outfest Achievement Award – Outstanding Emerging Talent, Ekachai Uekrongtham (2004)
- GLAAD Media Awards – Outstanding Film Limited Release, nominated (2006)
Nong Tum makes a special guest appearance in this movie as a beauty therapist, and Nong Tum's last opponent Kyoko Inoue plays herself, re-enecting the final fight in the movie.
Some photos of Nong Tum then and now here:
Yuki's Choice Reading:
Nong Tum On National Geographic.
Nong Tum's profile in Wikipedia.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
I am very tempted to withdraw from this show of utter drag flamboyance, but for my friend’s plea. It is not that I am in any way intolerant of transvestites (cross dressers, drags alike) but I am starting to feel the serious implications of lumping both transsexuals and transvestites, two totally different sets of people into one label we call transgenders; especially in a society that already finds it hard to differentiate between the two subsets.
I recently chatted online with Marti of Transadvocate.com; and I told her that I completely support total separation between transsexuals and transvestites, but I also shared to her that as not one transvestite can judge transsexuals like me for wanting the surgery, we transsexuals cannot judge transvestites for wanting to cross-dress as women even thought they identity as men. A pot and a kettle still belong in the kitchen I told her.
Getting a layman to understand the differences is already difficult. Then, battle lines were drawn for the past few months within the transsexual groups, when transsexuals who do not wish to associate with then term transgender starts to condemn those transsexuals who are comfortable with the term. They are called Women Born Transsexuals (WBT). Confused? I too when they went on to attack transsexuals who chose not to go for SRS.
Now I believe everyone has the right for self-determination and interpreting the Harry Benjamin Syndrome and Standards Of Care. But to use it in order to justify bigotry against transsexual sisters by calling them men in women dresses is also uncalled for. A transsexual is a transsexual is a transsexual. A lot of transsexuals cannot undergo SRS because of religion. If they do so they would be flogged, jailed or even killed in prison.
So how do we define “men in dresses”? I apologize, but let me tell you something. I am not a transvestite, I know I am a girl born with an abnormal mutation, but I have friends who are transvestites. They will willingly admit to everyone they are men and just like to cross-dress. Just like a lot of my tomboy friends would tell you they are still comfortable females. I am a pre-op transsexual, and that certainly does not make me a transvestite.
In any case, it would not even matter soon because I am going for SRS in June, so not one WBT would have anything on me because I would had, in their terms, being ‘born’ a transsexual. Which for me is still not accurate. I am born an incomplete girl. But going to be a lady. So there needs to be clarity here. A transsexual may not have an operation but could still remain a transsexual. Like a man that lost his dick in an accident is still a man.
In the end, WBT and transsexual should be separated from what is transvestite. Actually I find both transsexual groups do fit into the transgender category, but not transvestites. Why Virginia Prince invented the word ‘transgender’ to mix transsexuals and transvestites together is beyond me; transvestites have more to do with transfer of clothes rather than transfer of gender. A social construct should never be used to represent human beings.
Yuki's Thoughts: Yes, I will withdraw from the competition for the sake of my WBT and TS sisters.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Popped! Two of the buttons of my favourite sexy semi bare back dress decided to shoot themselves off. As I cursed myself at the prospect of having to fix the minor damages, another matter came into my mind. I am really fat now! As I scoured across the room for more options in nightwear I realise the choices I had was few and far between. I wore another favourite sexy one piece; it was then I noticed bulges that were inexistent before.
The sightings of a fat Yuki have been aplenty these days. Many of my friends had commented about the fat allocation around my belly. So much so embarrassingly I had to wear a strap around my stomach sometimes. When the side of my foldable bed gave way one day I was shattered. I am having liver problems, so I do not wish to starve myself. But I am desperate to get back the 60kg frame I had before. 80kg Yuki just would not do.
I am lucky to get married to a husband that does not care if I am fat. And friends did tell me I do not need to lose weight since I am already attached for better or for worse. But I felt not striving to look good after getting married is a lame excuse. So many older married women I had met still maintain a great body even way past their 50s. So I really do not see the reason why I should not attempt to achieve it, especially with my age now.
My legs too have problems supporting my body’s weight. A walk around One Utama shopping center proved to be a hurting experience on my thighs and feet. One of my friends Pei had the same problem, she became an ally in reminding me the importance of losing my excess baggage or I would have to spend cash weekly for foot reflexology. It was a stark realization that my jogging plans rests heavily on a strong, fit pair of legs.
Exercise itself was a tormenting experience. I strutted around just four rounds around the park and ended up with tired and sore legs for four days in which I walked like a zombie. The fat just would not go away. The bulge wishes to make my stomach its home. I am increasingly frustrated with the knowledge that at my 30 plus age my metabolism is slowing down. My quest to get rid of the unwanted pounds looks increasingly impossible.
I am now tempted to go vegetarian. Since diet pills do not help and even make matters worse, I am resigned to taking extra virgin olive oil with bread for meals as my husband recommended. And in my attempt to quit smoking, I do know that statistically I am going to gain at least a few kg once cigarettes no longer control of my life. But at least drinking only two times a week helps. But my mind still ponders on how to get that slim body.
Yes, I do admit my obsession to lose weight is due my ego and my insane addiction to self-image. I had lost the opportunity to own a killer female body back in my younger days when I was tied down to being a boy. I already have a female looking face, but it is rough all over with pimple scars. My body, with its hidden feminine shape and silky smooth skin is all I have. But I hope to achieve the nice body along with my health intact.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
"Bad Questions - Questions Never To Ask A Transsexual Person" by Calpernia Addams.
Yuki's Choice Reading:
For more on Calpernia Addams:
Her New Reality Show.
Yes, it is a her you dumb (beep)!
Queer, Isn't It?: Jesus Loves Me, This I Know by Michael Abernethy.
"Imagine you are in a park with your young son or daughter. It’s a nice day and you’re enjoying your time with your child, when you notice a man in the park. One of the other parents tells you that the man is a homosexual. How would you feel? You would worry about the safety of your child. You should leave the park as fast as possible, and you probably wouldn’t go back to that park again.”
This frightening scenario was the introduction to a presentation one of my college students made; the proposed topic of his speech was why homosexuals shouldn’t be allowed to marry. It’s not a position I support, but I encourage my students to be honest in their speeches, so long as they can provide a rational foundation for their positions. However, this particular young man chose not to argue in his speech that marriage was intended for one man and one woman, but instead proposed that all homosexuals should be rounded up and forced to live together on an island. His rationale for this proposition: the Bible.
Needless to say, I was disappointed by his speech. Assuming his idea was feasible and the horrible homosexual sinners could so easily be isolated, why stop there? How about the Isle of Lost Adulterers? The Strait of Whores? Pedophile Peninsula? And why stop with the sexually-based sins? Why not have the County of Persons who Fail to Honor Mom and Dad, False Witness Valley, and Coveter’s Cove? But then you start to run into problems with logistics. Where, for example, would you put the person who bore false witness against his or her parents?
Certainly, each individual is entitled to his or her beliefs. My student has every right to support a homophobic, antiquated idea of morality. Likewise, each individual is free to define sin however he or she chooses. I’m sure more than a few religious types would be disturbed by my notion of who is rotting in the inner circle of Hell, so I won’t presume to tell them whom they have to believe is there. Nonetheless, no one concept of sin or religion should be considered a mandate for a philosophy of government.
In the United States, of course, that mandate usually stems from calls for legislation based on a conservative Christian ideology. The implications of governance based on conservative Christian beliefs are far-reaching for the GLBT community. A Marriage Amendment defining marriage as a union between a man and woman is a certainty, civil unions will be banned, and protections against hate crimes and discrimination on the job and in housing would be erased. Quite possibly, a return to imprisonment or death for GLBT persons could occur.
Those who think a return to the days of killing homosexuals is far-fetch need only read Leviticus 20:13-14, which calls for exactly that (but only male homosexuals—lesbians get a pass on being put to death at least, but they too, will be persecuted). Thus, the rhetoric of the upcoming election rightly has gay and lesbian activists worried as to how far some candidates would go.
Take the words of presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, who announced while campaigning that Ameicans should amend the US Constitution to match “God’s standards”, not change God’s standards to match the Constitution. Or how about John McCain, who told Beliefnet.com that the Constitution founded a Christian nation (although not really, as the Constitution contains no reference of God whatsoever). While McCain has retracted his statement, there’s still the Republican Platform of Texas, which flat-out declares that the United States is a Christian nation.
But whose Christianity? There are 67 million Catholics, 16 million Southern Baptists, and six million Mormons in the United States. All three of these branches of Christianity have vastly different interpretations of the Bible, and their readings differ from those of the Methodists, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Lutherans, Greek Orthodox, and others. If we go with the majority, clearly then America is a Catholic nation, but try selling that idea to Texas Republicans.
Then there are the fringe Christians, such as the members of Westboro Church, better known as Fred Phelps’ church. According to Phelps, Heath Ledger will burn in Hell for playing a gay man, along with former NFL star Patrick Tillman, who died defending a country that harbors gays. In Phelps’ worldview, God may be displeased but can accept the 17,000 yearly murders, 92,000 annual rapes, and 234,000 convicted pedophiles in Phelps’ country; however, homosexuality has angered God to the point that He is willing to allow innocent people to die in war, natural disasters, and terrorist acts just to make a point. Where does this interpretation of Christianity fit in a Christian nation?
Therefore, the first challenge of this Christian nation would be to set a standard of what "Christianity” means. Its second challenge is to have a major overhaul of both its government and its economy. Currently, only two acts listed in the Ten Commandments are illegal. Constitution amendments need to be passed immediately to insure that Americans aren’t taking the Lord’s name in vain and that the next time a President gets a blowjob outside of wedlock, there will be no doubt about his fate.
Also, those Constitutional amendments outlawing slavery will have to be revoked, although the new slavery will be economically-based and not racially. The Bible is very explicit about who can and should be a slave—for instance, any one who is a daughter, i.e., all women, are game.
Of course, the greatest economic impact will be the closing of, well, everything on Sunday. No cops or prison guards working, hospital employees will get the day off, no store clerks or restaurant workers can work—which means that all stores and restaurants will be closed. No football or other sports, no newspaper, no TV broadcasts, no Sunday matinee at the movies, no zoos or museums available on this day. Americans must not ask those people employed at such places to risk their eternal souls by working on Sunday. The resulting loss of revenue to those industries is incalculable, not to mention the loss of human life when paramedics, fire personnel, and doctors fail to answer emergency calls.
The fashion industry will be hit particularly hard, as the mixing of fabrics is banned, which I find problematic as I got this really cool sweater for Christmas I’ll have to burn. The farming industry will also be hit hard, since it’s forbidden to mix seeds within a field. No more growing corn in the same field as lettuce. Both the food industry and football are in for a shake-up, as touching the carcass of a pig is prohibited. On the up side, sheep farmers will see a boom, since people will be able to offer up ewes as offerings for their sins. Likewise, the poor will prosper in this Christian nation, as the Bible commands all to be “open-handed” with them.
There are literally thousands of changes that will have to be made for Americans to truly form a Christian nation, from stoning women who don’t cover their heads in church to exempting newlywed men from military or civic duty. But suppose Americans unite under another religion, say, Islam, Hinduism, or Scientology? No matter what the religion, big changes will have to be made.
To some, what I am suggesting may seem ludicrous. No civilized Western country would engage in such practices as the ones listed here. Yet, Jesus tells us it’s an all or nothing proposition:
I tell you this: so long as heaven and earth endure, not a letter, not a stroke, will
disappear from the Law until all that must happen has happened. If any man therefore sets aside even the least of the Law’s demands, and teaches other to do the same, he will have the lowest place in the kingdom of Heaven… (Matthew 5:18 - 19)
Thus, it’s clear that one doesn’t get to pick and choose which parts of the Bible will be obeyed, but realistically, that’s what happens every day. In America, mandates within the Law of the Bible that are no longer culturally acceptable, such as slavery or public stoning, are ignored, while others become political talking points.
All of this Biblical talk matters for one simple reason: many use the Bible as justification for discriminatory practices. We can’t allow gays and lesbians to wed because it isn’t sanctioned in the Bible. We can’t allow gays and lesbians to raise children because the Bible rebukes them. We can’t allow gays and lesbians to live because it makes God mad.
Yet, we allow these same “special rights” to other” sinners”. If you want to deny me my rights because I’m a sinner, work just as hard to deny the rights of every other sinner in this country. Otherwise, shut up.
Perhaps if Americans want to incorporate religion into their governing process, they should invoke the ethic of reciprocity, the one idea that is consistent across every major religion of the world. In Christianity, it’s known as the Golden Rule. The Buddhists say “Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful”, while the Islamic faith states “None of you believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.” Native American religion tells us "What we do to everything, we do to ourselves. All is really One”. Wicca preaches that in all things, practitioners should do no harm. In other words, if you don’t want your right to marry to be based on whether people accept whom you have fallen in love with, don’t impose that standard on others.
When you remove the religious position from the equation, there is no argument as to why gays and lesbians shouldn’t marry. Nothing in the US Constitution forbids it, and the structure of that governing document for the Country encourages equity. Sure, lots of people will posit arguments based on biased and disreputable “research” (gays are all pedophiles, lesbians can’t sustain relationships), but the truth boils down to this: there is no justifiable reason to deny GLBT persons equality under the law. It’s not about your right to believe in religion; it’s about your right to impose those beliefs on all of us.
Yuki's Thoughts: LGTs have a long way to go in gaining recognition and presence in Christianity. But the prayer remains for a better tomorrow in peace and love.
In the States, and across the world, the adaptation of the new look on homosexuality and transgenderism has hit a high. When the APA removed homosexuality from the DSM-IV in 1973, a stance supported by other major medical and mental health institutions (something the Christian fundamentalists view as caused by pressure of gay groups), more and more people are realising it is absurd to state that 477,000 medical and mental health professionals bowed down to any pressures.
Instead it is a reassurance that decades of studies had proven that homosexuality is just as normal a condition as heterosexuality. On Gender Identity Disorder or GID (know to be equated at some quarters as Harry Benjamin Syndrome (HBS)), the general public is beginning to realise that this medical condition exists, and goes to challenge the very fabric of sexuality perpetuated by religious groups and the conservative public. Sadly, these information is filtered out in my country, Malaysia.
In Malaysia, transgenders/transsexuals are considered a culture and often rejected by society as freakish outkasts. Most are considered to be creatures having declined social morals. And because the people in this box called Malaysia refuse to think out of the box, most transgenders are always stuck in their closets, fearing disrimination and rejection. Transsexuals got it worse, because they can never be in closets, making them an obvious target of not only ridicule, but also violence.
Three years ago, a transsexual named Mumtaz in Ipoh was arrested, stripped and humiliated by Malaysian Police personnel for waiting for her husband in a hotel room. Last year, a transsexual named Ayu was arrested for just chatting with a friend at a bus stop, then was seriously beaten by religious authorities. This year, another named Freda was found murdered. The media disrespectfully portrayed her as a 'he' wearing red long-sleeved T-shirt, black bra and black pants.
Along the lines, the media never cease to broadcast 'bad news' about transgenders at every opportunity. And authorities continue to be brutal towards transgenders. Across the years, many transgenders/transsexuals are being penalized (some are non-muslims), abused, raped, cheated and even murdered. Some managed to get some headlines thanks to affiliates and groups such as PT Foundation. Most sadly ended up John Doe's, even though medical sciences calls them Jane's.
Transgenders/transsexuals are people. Some of us are registered voters like me. Democracy is a government of the people, by the people and for the people. So why is the government treating transgenders/transsexuals with such disdain is beyond me. GID/ HBS are valid medical conditions requiring treatment of aligning the body to its correct sexual identity. We need protection. Alas, in Kuala Terengganu, they attempt rehabs to get MF transgenders/transsexuals out of feminine 'habits'.
The absurd, foolish and ludacrious treatment handed out by Malaysian authorities upon transgender/transsexuals have not even raised one eyebrow hair in the government of Malaysia. Malaysia claims glory and coming of age in sending a space flight attendant (oops, sorry, erm' astronaught) to space. Malaysia heralded development of infrastructure like the Petronas Twin Towers. However for transgenders/transsexuals, Malaysia chose to be ignorant and preducicial.
Such is a country labelled around the world as a laughing stock. “First class facilities, third class mentality” they called Malaysia. Seriously for a country that gives its Muslim women the right to decide whether to have their hair covered, Malaysia still chooses to be stubborn in regards to it's own people who are transgenders/transsexuals. With more GID/HBS medical approach and legal protection applied by the world today (even Iranians are on it); what becomes of my country now?
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:
6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)"
The Sex Reassignment Surgery brings with it a new life. For me it is something spiritual, it is like coming home. Or as my friend joked of that Britney song in relations to me, 'I am not a girl, not yet a woman'; but all Yuki needs is not time, but getting the mutated growth out of her. Yes, my satisfaction would be all complete. I would have no shame in going to female spas, and I shall walk proudly out on the streets with hot pants and the T-back underneath it. My joy will be complete.
And with it a husband to share it with. I am removing a biological chastity belt and will be having a sex life with someone that had shown tremendous love, affection and sacrifice for me. I will be able to swim in a bikini or swimsuit without anymore shame. In some Asian countries like Thailand, having that 'thing' taken off is the symbol of coming of age into womanhood. I am finally alive.
Perhaps many do not understand why a person like me wishes to go for it. My Credo brother actually questioned me of my self acceptance. He said if I really accepted myself, I do not need to remove it. But I threw back the answer, something I was incapable of doing two years ago. I told him, that as I can never understand homosexuals 100% how matter I research because of the lack of real time life on it, he can never understand a transsexual. We just had to do what is right and just.
He reminded me again that I can never be a real girl. I beg to differ. With everything from my heart and mind motivations to God, to my psychological and human spirit, I had always been a girl. In fact I never even come close to being half of a boy, instead I had always been closer to who I am. As all the memories of people, from churches to friends trying to define a manhood into me subside, along with the decades of hurt; I am finally happy in my shell heading towards the future.
All the fixations of sex organs as a gender marker can be thrown away now as I am no longer confused. A man with two dicks do not turn him into a superman. A man losing a dick to cancer do not make him less of a man. A woman having being born without the ability to have a child do not make her a man. A woman having small breasts do not make her less than a woman. Likewise, the sexual organ I am getting is just an identification imprint below. I understand now that I am female.
With this huge physiological change coming in a few months time, I did a lot of reflections into my past life, the struggles of trying to be what people want me to be, letting people define who I am, even now at the midst of the comfort I have being myself these days. But I realised I am a much stronger person now and I do not need to seek people's attention and approval anymore. I do not need to live by anyone's standards. I will never let myself be intimidated by transphobics anymore.
Perhaps it is fitting that I finally got to watch 'Beautiful Boxer' on Astro Kirana. It is really an amazing story based on true events of Nong Tum. Although my life would never be so spectacular like hers, and I could not even jog for more than 5 rounds around the park (let alone deliver knock out Muay Thai punches like her); everyone of us transsexuals would have our own stories to tell, lives to live, stuffs to face. All of us are going through dangers in our lives but we must hang on.
I am looking forward so much to the 'cutting' point of my transition. By the long winded tone of this post you should know I am thrilled to bits. Of course I could never imagine the impact of waking up realising the abnormal growth is gone, or even the pain that might ensue. I am hoping to get internet access at the hospital and hotel so that I could have a daily updates of what is happening an keep my writing up to date. In the meantime; my heartful thanks for those who had accepted the lady I am.
Friday, February 22, 2008
My diet plan went bust after I dragged myself to the outpatient clinic at Kelana Jaya Medical Centre for liver inflammation and gastric. Thanks to that, my weight is not going to go down anytime soon now. With great dismay I had gained another kilo, and stuck with a sick liver that will take at least another three weeks to heal. With my birthday coming up in a month's time, this means of course I would probably still have this almost 80kg plus frame going into the 32nd year of my lifetime.
My parents are still not accepting of me. Not that I am bothered, but in the end in our lifetime we would only have one set of parents. I love them, even though they feel shame that their 'son' had become their daughter. They are afraid that their neighbours would find out and start gossiping. My friend told me in an Asian culture, a boy that 'wishes' to be a girl is a shame to the family. But I really wonder when is it a shame to just be yourself. Guess ignorance still breeds intolerance.
I am missing my husband in Australia. He had given me so much, a life for that matter, in such a short period in time. He is validating day by day my choice to marry him. Today, he even sms-ed me and told me how he wished I was by his side. In the turmoil of living in a society that just do not wish to understand transsexuals, I know I must go back to him soon. And I know he will be waiting in these few months for me to be by his side again. Our temporary separation had been hard on us.
I spend this season worrying about my car. It is a liability, but being an emotional creature that I am I chose to painstakingly protect it at all costs for its sentimental value. With my car, I had gone through so many adventures. I spent a good time between festivities trying to settle my summons and insurance, which took weeks, in order to get my road tax done. It was only finalized yesterday. Now I still have to wait for my friend the road tax to me, so there is more waiting to be done.
And all of the spending; giving 'red packets' for the season, rescuing a friend, summons with insurance and road tax for my car, my first HRT in months and others had burnt a big bad hole in my pocket. Not that I am concerned, because I still have my two meals a day and the occasional drink; but I really want to save money for any rainy days that may come. I had learned from past experiences of being totally flat broke, so being back to that situation is a real no no for me, ever!
Surely things would turn around, I told myself. Every since I started writing professional articles for Ex-Gay Watch, I find it difficult to maintain both my personal blogsite and Reflections Asia. Then, as fate would allow it, one of my lesbian friends dropped in to the Reflections site and now I may have finally found a writing partner. And I finally had the time to get this post done today. And today, the last day of the Chinese New year season, things just suddenly got better and better.
I hung out with Eddy, a good friend of mine who had been one of the core support for me. He had virtually seen me grow from the troubled young confused 30 something year old and blossom into the person that is called Vivienne now. He had commented this evening that I had come a long way, no longer being insecure and troubled in my own self anxieties and the hurt of having people define who I am. And the invitation to dine accompanied by his boyfriend, brings out a gigantic surprise.
His boyfriend knows someone that I had known for half of my life, amounting to 16 years. Holding back the tears, trying to be cool as I spoke to her after a three year separation, I am finally reunited to the first person I ever called my sister. She is the only friend I had in those year back in high school when I was still struggling with myself. It really feels ultra good to hear her voice on the line again. And I finally get to face her as who I am. It is like my entire nervous system had been healed.
Gosh, how things can change within one day. Life is really ironic sometimes. My Chinese New year season ended on a high note after all. Hope that you all had a beautiful Chap Goh Meh too. Ditto.
Friday, February 1, 2008
It is true! The Gay Agenda is ever so close to its formation and execution, even at Singapore!
Pleinelune, off Sayoni Speaks:
I’m going to let you guys in on a secret: all the rumours about the Gay Agenda are absolutely true. Every last word. In my hands I have the Masterplan of the Gay Community, otherwise known as Gaytopia 2050, hardcopy edition. I’ve obtained these plans from the headquarters of Homopolis, located somewhere in between the end of the rainbow and the pot of gold. It wasn’t easy sneaking it out, as I had to get past a couple of flamboyant queens who insisted on giving me makeup tips, and a whole army of dancing gay men who wouldn’t let me pass until I Flaunted it. And then there was the perilous trip across the oily and slippery room of diesel dykes, and the final barrier: walking through the Hall of Decadence.
Before the queens in high heels descend on me with their featherboas, I am going to give you all a sneakpeak in to the Masterplan, planned to the second, till 2050.
Top Ten Goals to be achieved by 2050
- Outlaw straight sex - heterosexuality is an affront to our morals and repugnant to a small minority of society who insists on stripping other people of their rights in order to feel good about themselves, even though their rights are not affected.
- Outlaw straight marriage - straight people will destroy the institution of marriage with their rising divorce rates, partner abuse, adultery, exploitation of children, sexual violence against women and children [what if fathers rape their daughters?!]. It is not safe for our children to grow up in a stable two-parent household, even though they are loving and caring, because it is inherently bad for them to have parents of different sexes. There are no studies to prove this, but it is true because we say so!
- Anyone who admits he or she is straight will be discharged from the army, and made ineligible to donate blood. Even though, really, orientation has nothing do with either of these things, but who cares?
- Encourage a culture of intolerance, where parents disown straight children if they ever come out to you. It is always shameful when your child grows up to be a healthy productive individual in society but isn’t fucking whom you want him to fuck. If technology is advanced enough, find the straight gene and abort straight foetuses before birth. Better yet, manipulate their genes in-utero.
- Make it compulsory to dismiss straight individuals in high-ranking positions in the government and MNCs, because apparently the thought of them fucking someone of the opposite sex is too much to bear for the people who interact with them or work under them.
- Dismiss straight teachers - they might prey on the children!
- Make life hell for straight activists. Monitor their activities, and ban their events, especially if they involve picnics, a run, or an exhibition.
- Slap R21 ratings on movies which dare to suggest that straight people are happy and normal too. Or ban them completely. Tell the media they are not supposed to print or show anything which “celebrates” heterosexuality.
- Send straight people into rehabilitation camps, where they will learn to renounce their abnormal heterosexual tendencies and learn to love people of the same sex, the way they were always intended to. Who cares if this damages them for life? The important thing is that we dictate whom people are allowed to love.
- Allow straight people to live in peace provided that they do nothing to reclaim the rights they are entitled to, so that we can get their money.
Top Five Ways to Impose our “Culture” on everyone else
- Outlaw croc shoes - no one should be wearing that horrible excuse for footwear, which look more like pieces of Hannibal’s mask cut and dyed.
- Make gym membership compulsory for all men upon reaching the age of 18. National Service just doesn’t cut it, in keeping our men fit! Plus there is no danger of mosquito bites in a gym.
- Make it compulsory for all kids to learn Madonna songs by heart from primary 3 onwards.
- Force employers to give emergency paid leave based on “my-girlfriend’s-ex-threw-a-drink-in-her-face-at-a-bar-its-all-lesbian-drama-gotta-go”.
- Make U-hauls compulsory - no couples shall date for more than 3 days before getting into a relationship and moving in.
Oh no the queens are knocking on the door… I have to run!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
One thing I do not understand is why it had to be New York. This is, like, the second movie setting New York as the city for annihilation (I am sure Will Smith's “I Am Legend”'s vampire/zombie ravaged New York still comes to mind) this year. New York... but as a city for disaster strikes? Yikes... is everyone still having a hangover of 9/11? I sure miss the romance and splendour of that city, with its melancholic mood all around. Where are all the movies like “You've Got Mail”?
Anyway, back to the movie. Cloverfield (untitled at the time) was the presumed to be a movie about a gigantic robot, with everyone thinking it was Voltron. Then when producer JJ Abrams hinted at it being an American monster, it then had everyone guessing again at what kind of monster it could be. Before the name Cloverfield, the movie was supposed to be named “Slusho”, but the curiousity once the movie name came out made Cloverfield the permanent name, but still plays into the hype.
Cloverfield is about the journey of five people Rob, his brother Jason with his girlfriend Lily, Rob's best friend Hud and the girl he admires Marlena; on the rescue of apple of Rob's affection, Beth (Actually, that is what the synopsis said but technically, it is four because Jason died before the rescue mission begins). I have mixed emotions of the choice of little known actors for this movie. One thing, it makes it so easy to kill off all the characters. But the lesson of friendship is there.
But at what price? In the name of friendship, in order to rescue Beth, all of them except Lily died. Yes, all of them except one. It serves as such an easy backdrop for the monster (I suspect the original title “Slusho” actually refers to the name of the creature). They actually contributed to the body count. In the end, is it all worth it? No, because if it takes the risk of losing four lives to rescue one, it is a show of pure stupidity. Yes, because that is how we could get to see the monster in full.
And what slimy, disgusting piece of meat the monster is. I always believe monsters are not supposed to be cute. The American production Godzilla strikes me as too cute. The destruction of the city in Godzilla was cute. The way some of them 'died' in Godzilla, or nearly got squashed, was cute. In fact, even Godzilla's babies in the end of the movie is cute. The song 'Heroes' sung by The Wallflowers must be the cutest songs ever produced. And boy, yes, Matthew Broderick is cute too!
But there is nothing cute about this monster. This creature kills, to the extent one of the soldiers exclaimed, “Whatever it is, it is winning”. Amazingly awesome killing instincts, capable of releasing dozens and dozens of baby monsters capable of taking out even soldiers with guns. This monster is so haunting some of you may have nightmares about it. And because the movie is shot entirely on a video camera's angle it makes the movie so real, except for those with motion sickness.
But the definite star of the movie must be it. The 'Video Camera'! It lasts so long to tell the tale. I counted probably more than 15 hours of battery, and tape. And you know what, the 'Video Camera' is so robust; it is flung here and there, got hit several times, smashed to the ground, dragged all over the place, got into a pile of rocks after a bomb blast, and it is still functioning properly! Surely, we must know the brand this 'Video Camera' is. It must be one of the most incredible ones in the world!
Overall, I find 'Cloverfield', positively one of the more entertaining movies of this year. The camera angle conveys a sense of realism to the whole movie. And you can literally grow with the characters of this movie (to the point they died of course). But you do feel for the friends. But I do think they could have done more for the ending. The identity of the monster, and the fate of the monster or the city, is not revealed in the end, leaving audiences feeling unfulfilled. I give it a rating 3.5 out of 5.
Yuki's Choice Reading: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cloverfield
Saturday, January 26, 2008
I am also trying to lose weight. I now stand at 175 cm tall, but according to my home scale, I am overweight. I am currently 78kg. I remembered a few months ago when I did my medical checkup I was more lighter then. But coming back from Australia to Malaysia, my mouth went berserk, dining on all the food that have been deprived from me. Yes, I miss Malaysian food. I miss all the Bah Kut Teh, the steaming Sweet & Sour Rice, the incomparable Chee Cheong Fun and Chow Kuey Teow.
I am now on a 6 week mission that should end on the 7th of March 2008, two weeks and two days shy of my 32nd birthday eve. In these six weeks, I would be attempting to reduce my weight to under 59kg, and not take a single cigarette until the withdrawal symptoms had passed and I do not need to smoke anymore. I will going on a protein and exercise mode to burn calories and clear out my lungs from nicotine faster. There would also be few days of starvation diet (not advisable to follow me).
I will be recording my progress here on my site. I should be doing the starvation diet intensely on Monday till Friday next week. In these five days I would not take anything but water. If I do feel very hungry I would just take drinks like Tomato juices or Milo to fill up my energy levels. Also, I would be taking only minimal food throughout the six weeks, concentrating on foods with less calories but lots of protein like tunas, eggs and chicken. I will also be taking in lots of vegetables.
There would be a chance of a small collapse in terms of the smoking, but I must stop totally exactly four weeks before 6th March 2008, in which four weeks is the period required for a person to be rid of nicotine from the body, one of the things that creates the 'urge' to smoke. I have not been drinking much, except for red wines in cafes, therefore the places that I have the habit of smoking is avoided; my strong habits to smoke in pubs should be controlled down to a more comfortable level.
Reporting how I feel right now, I am tired and facing withdrawal symptoms, I am more easily irritated then before. I feel tremendously week and sleepy. But I noticed my face looks more fresh then yesterday. I have only eaten a plate of raw sushi with just two rolls of rice and some healthy salads, with chicken rice yesterday. Today I have eaten only a plate of mee with three raw boiled eggs and this afternoon a very small portion of rice with some vegetables, beans and a fish ball.
Weight today: 77.9 kg
Body fat percentage: 35.7%
Body hydration percentage: 46.4%
Cigarettes smoked this week: unknown.
Exercises done this week: none.
I will be making presentations of progress on my mission every weekend. With SRS coming in June, it is really time to quit smoking. And for the first time in my lady self, I really am dying to get the beautiful body that I have never got before. I have been spoiled by the habits of smoking and my love for food. It is time to be healthy. As the old saying goes, you are what you eat. And I do not want to wait until it is too late for me to quit smoking. Hope I could get some progress running.