Friday, July 27, 2007

The Stand.

I have spent one and a half years in Petaling Jaya, but now in the same position I was when I first arrived here to this central region of Malaysia. Being back to square one is tough. Looking for a new place to stay is my priority, but is a major problem for me. But I guess I have to fight on. Relying on God is one thing, but the fear of survival does consume me. With burdens, heavy debts and nothing to start with, I am presented with the biggest challenge God and life had ever given me. At least, seeing my other T sisters beside me, suffering too, I realise I am not alone.

Friends? Some have come and supported me all they can. I am forever grateful for them. Others they choose to help me half-heartedly. At least they kept me alive for awhile. Most of them fair weather friends are now gone. I guess I could not blame such friends totally, who would want to mix around with a baggage mess like me. What hurts about them is some putting the sole blame on me as an excuse to ex-communicate me from their lives. But I forgive them.

Work? I fallen so deep here. I came here with high hopes, and started with some sales jobs, but soon was reduced to a GRO in a karaoke bar. I recently quit it when things get nasty with men and realised it is becoming a stumbling block to a real job for me. In the past year, I have also been involved in escort work entertaining men. But I am praying everyday now for a way out of this hole, and if God wills it, out of this country. I am like telling myself, "Go get a life!"

Relationships? I am bisexual, but I primarily like men. I had some one night stands here and there, but nothing serious. There was this Malaysian man based in Thailand, but he is married and when I wish to be obligated to him, he suddenly disappears. Then there was this T-gal lover, but he is too engrossed with his ex and another girl. Yup, this two really strikes me with memories. I am however, attracted to an Australian guy that looks a bit like Paul McCartney. But I do not want tango without a partner, so I will see how this goes and how serious he is.

Future? Too far to look. So I am going to take it one step at a time. I am no longer walking alone though. I have God walking with me. It is tough balancing the demands of society, faith and sexuality. But I will concentrate on that later. Right now, I need to survive. I believe God will provide for me soon, for I landed in serious trouble and may not survive the week. Hope it is not too greedy for me to ask God to, please, send me a Prince Charming to rescue me. Who knows? Miracles happen when you believe. Somehow, I still survived the past year plus, did I not?

Tough Times Don't Last... Tough People Do....

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