Three weeks passed by so quickly on this Chinese New Year 2008 season, and visions of all past Chinese New Years haunted me this year. Those were happier times then; my friends were around, there are 'red packets' to get, we went gambling together house to house, we went to pubs. But after coming out as who I am, though there were happy times throughout the festivities, this is one season I rather forget, especially when it is worse than last year's heartbreaking mediocre affair.
My diet plan went bust after I dragged myself to the outpatient clinic at Kelana Jaya Medical Centre for liver inflammation and gastric. Thanks to that, my weight is not going to go down anytime soon now. With great dismay I had gained another kilo, and stuck with a sick liver that will take at least another three weeks to heal. With my birthday coming up in a month's time, this means of course I would probably still have this almost 80kg plus frame going into the 32nd year of my lifetime.
My parents are still not accepting of me. Not that I am bothered, but in the end in our lifetime we would only have one set of parents. I love them, even though they feel shame that their 'son' had become their daughter. They are afraid that their neighbours would find out and start gossiping. My friend told me in an Asian culture, a boy that 'wishes' to be a girl is a shame to the family. But I really wonder when is it a shame to just be yourself. Guess ignorance still breeds intolerance.
I am missing my husband in Australia. He had given me so much, a life for that matter, in such a short period in time. He is validating day by day my choice to marry him. Today, he even sms-ed me and told me how he wished I was by his side. In the turmoil of living in a society that just do not wish to understand transsexuals, I know I must go back to him soon. And I know he will be waiting in these few months for me to be by his side again. Our temporary separation had been hard on us.
I spend this season worrying about my car. It is a liability, but being an emotional creature that I am I chose to painstakingly protect it at all costs for its sentimental value. With my car, I had gone through so many adventures. I spent a good time between festivities trying to settle my summons and insurance, which took weeks, in order to get my road tax done. It was only finalized yesterday. Now I still have to wait for my friend the road tax to me, so there is more waiting to be done.
And all of the spending; giving 'red packets' for the season, rescuing a friend, summons with insurance and road tax for my car, my first HRT in months and others had burnt a big bad hole in my pocket. Not that I am concerned, because I still have my two meals a day and the occasional drink; but I really want to save money for any rainy days that may come. I had learned from past experiences of being totally flat broke, so being back to that situation is a real no no for me, ever!
Surely things would turn around, I told myself. Every since I started writing professional articles for Ex-Gay Watch, I find it difficult to maintain both my personal blogsite and Reflections Asia. Then, as fate would allow it, one of my lesbian friends dropped in to the Reflections site and now I may have finally found a writing partner. And I finally had the time to get this post done today. And today, the last day of the Chinese New year season, things just suddenly got better and better.
I hung out with Eddy, a good friend of mine who had been one of the core support for me. He had virtually seen me grow from the troubled young confused 30 something year old and blossom into the person that is called Vivienne now. He had commented this evening that I had come a long way, no longer being insecure and troubled in my own self anxieties and the hurt of having people define who I am. And the invitation to dine accompanied by his boyfriend, brings out a gigantic surprise.
His boyfriend knows someone that I had known for half of my life, amounting to 16 years. Holding back the tears, trying to be cool as I spoke to her after a three year separation, I am finally reunited to the first person I ever called my sister. She is the only friend I had in those year back in high school when I was still struggling with myself. It really feels ultra good to hear her voice on the line again. And I finally get to face her as who I am. It is like my entire nervous system had been healed.
Gosh, how things can change within one day. Life is really ironic sometimes. My Chinese New year season ended on a high note after all. Hope that you all had a beautiful Chap Goh Meh too. Ditto.