Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Waiting For That Day.

It is now the 27th of February. In exactly four months time, aided and supported by an ever loving husband, and with tons of friends cheering me on; I shall embark on a journey that some have taken triumphantly, but many did not reach this destination. Some cited religion, others the fear of pain, but a good many gave the reason of the worry of being stuck in limbo identity wise as a consequence to it. But I without any hesitation, fear, and with lots of prayer, will be on my way.

The Sex Reassignment Surgery brings with it a new life. For me it is something spiritual, it is like coming home. Or as my friend joked of that Britney song in relations to me, 'I am not a girl, not yet a woman'; but all Yuki needs is not time, but getting the mutated growth out of her. Yes, my satisfaction would be all complete. I would have no shame in going to female spas, and I shall walk proudly out on the streets with hot pants and the T-back underneath it. My joy will be complete.

And with it a husband to share it with. I am removing a biological chastity belt and will be having a sex life with someone that had shown tremendous love, affection and sacrifice for me. I will be able to swim in a bikini or swimsuit without anymore shame. In some Asian countries like Thailand, having that 'thing' taken off is the symbol of coming of age into womanhood. I am finally alive.

Perhaps many do not understand why a person like me wishes to go for it. My Credo brother actually questioned me of my self acceptance. He said if I really accepted myself, I do not need to remove it. But I threw back the answer, something I was incapable of doing two years ago. I told him, that as I can never understand homosexuals 100% how matter I research because of the lack of real time life on it, he can never understand a transsexual. We just had to do what is right and just.

He reminded me again that I can never be a real girl. I beg to differ. With everything from my heart and mind motivations to God, to my psychological and human spirit, I had always been a girl. In fact I never even come close to being half of a boy, instead I had always been closer to who I am. As all the memories of people, from churches to friends trying to define a manhood into me subside, along with the decades of hurt; I am finally happy in my shell heading towards the future.

All the fixations of sex organs as a gender marker can be thrown away now as I am no longer confused. A man with two dicks do not turn him into a superman. A man losing a dick to cancer do not make him less of a man. A woman having being born without the ability to have a child do not make her a man. A woman having small breasts do not make her less than a woman. Likewise, the sexual organ I am getting is just an identification imprint below. I understand now that I am female.

With this huge physiological change coming in a few months time, I did a lot of reflections into my past life, the struggles of trying to be what people want me to be, letting people define who I am, even now at the midst of the comfort I have being myself these days. But I realised I am a much stronger person now and I do not need to seek people's attention and approval anymore. I do not need to live by anyone's standards. I will never let myself be intimidated by transphobics anymore.

Perhaps it is fitting that I finally got to watch 'Beautiful Boxer' on Astro Kirana. It is really an amazing story based on true events of Nong Tum. Although my life would never be so spectacular like hers, and I could not even jog for more than 5 rounds around the park (let alone deliver knock out Muay Thai punches like her); everyone of us transsexuals would have our own stories to tell, lives to live, stuffs to face. All of us are going through dangers in our lives but we must hang on.

I am looking forward so much to the 'cutting' point of my transition. By the long winded tone of this post you should know I am thrilled to bits. Of course I could never imagine the impact of waking up realising the abnormal growth is gone, or even the pain that might ensue. I am hoping to get internet access at the hospital and hotel so that I could have a daily updates of what is happening an keep my writing up to date. In the meantime; my heartful thanks for those who had accepted the lady I am.

1 comment:

CrackerLilo said...

Smiling with you, cheering you on, as the day comes closer!