Saturday, April 19, 2008

The Changes.

I had not written much lately, but yet I thank you all for still supporting my blog. Many were reading into my past articles. I guess I had really written a lot. But I am flattered that there are still some of you out there that cared about what was going on in my life. The response for my articles for Ex-Gay Watch from the Asian region is also encouraging. I apologize for not being able to share much for the past ten days; I am now in the midst of recovering from being used by a person who in the end never treated me as a sister, and reflecting on the soon upcoming changes in my life.

Losing my sister is probably one of the signs of changes in my life. Just barely two weeks ago, we were still joking around my ex-employer's office. We were still planning what to do with her wedding. One of our colleagues we were very close to was leaving, and at the last day of his work we all had a nice steamboat dinner together. I missed the second round of their party in a Karaoke centre, but being ill means I really wish I were to be home. Then barely few days later, she ran away and possibly will never come back into our lives. Suddenly, I no longer have a family here.

The knowledge that she cheated all of us was unbearable for the four of us; the fiancee, my ex-boss, our one good friend and me were unwilling victims to an illusion of an pitiful angel she created for us to see. Having loved her and cared for her unconditionally, it was disappointing for her to have used all of us. She is in the end selfish, and her decision will bear consequences for herself while we all get on with our lives. It would take some getting used to, suddenly not having someone I had treated with so much love and dignity, but I do know some friendships just do not last till old age.

I will be leaving Malaysia to Australia and stay there for an unknown period of time, perhaps years with my husband. I admitted to my husband that I found Australia unbearable because I missed Malaysia. Both have its good points and bad points, but the crux of the matter is that I am so used to the Malaysian environment. The roads, the shops, the shopping complexes and mostly the food. In my commitment to be with my husband, I am resigned to another different culture; one I hope I am able to adapt to. It would be so different, so quiet. But with a promise of a tolerant and nice society.

My husband has planned a move to Perth, and with it the weather should be more bearable than my days at Darwin. I am really seriously moving into an environment I know nothing about, especially barely knowing my husband. But seeing how well he treated me for the past months I am back in Malaysia seems to justify he is indeed trustworthy. And his strive to give me a better future makes me appreciate him even more. I do not know what would happen in the coming years of my life with him, but I do know very well whatever happens I am going to stick around as his best friend.

I am looking forward for my SRS. But of course, I do have thoughts on how I would feel after the surgery. Like a finger that is cancerous and needs to be cut off, my penis had been with me for 32 years. It needs to be off me, but no doubt I will miss it. I will miss my silly antics with it, including trying to remove it with my drawer back when I was a child. I will miss adjusting it so it seems inexistent every time I put on my clothes. In fact, I will miss the shame I had of having it. I was grossly insulted by it. I feel it was on my way of wearing a bikini set. I am going to miss killing it.

There is also a move on the way I live my life. I am now spending more time at home in my room. I have turned into a homegirl. I seldom go out to drink. Though the past week I drank a lot in depression because of my godsister's out-of-my-life experience, I do not enjoy alcoholic drinks like I used to. In fact, in the past month I mostly feel lazy to go out, and resigned myself on the comfort of a sofa and watching my favourite shows such as “House” and all the “Crime Scene Investigation” episodes from Las Vegas to Miami. I am becoming quite a couch potato these days.

I know the hurt of losing my sister will die off in time. I guess since there are going to be so many changes in my life soon in terms of body, country, culture, environment and lifestyle there is too many things on my mind right now. With it, a continuous learning process on how to be a better writer. I do wish to be a Yoga and Pilates specialist, and aspire to be a trainer one day. I really am in a fix on what the future brings soon for this stranger going to a strange land. But somehow I know I had gone through worse in my life. Things still should pick up in my life. After all, life is beautiful.

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