Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Proof Of Fat.

I was tired, but nevertheless excited to hang out at this new place my pal Jenny recommended me at TTDI. As I got into her friend’s car, she remarked, ‘We are going to a club, so do you wish to put on something better for it? You look like an auntie’. So I returned to my humble room and tried on some dresses I had not wore in a year. After selecting the most comfortable one, I sat on my bed in attempt to apply some eye shadow.

Popped! Two of the buttons of my favourite sexy semi bare back dress decided to shoot themselves off. As I cursed myself at the prospect of having to fix the minor damages, another matter came into my mind. I am really fat now! As I scoured across the room for more options in nightwear I realise the choices I had was few and far between. I wore another favourite sexy one piece; it was then I noticed bulges that were inexistent before.

The sightings of a fat Yuki have been aplenty these days. Many of my friends had commented about the fat allocation around my belly. So much so embarrassingly I had to wear a strap around my stomach sometimes. When the side of my foldable bed gave way one day I was shattered. I am having liver problems, so I do not wish to starve myself. But I am desperate to get back the 60kg frame I had before. 80kg Yuki just would not do.

I am lucky to get married to a husband that does not care if I am fat. And friends did tell me I do not need to lose weight since I am already attached for better or for worse. But I felt not striving to look good after getting married is a lame excuse. So many older married women I had met still maintain a great body even way past their 50s. So I really do not see the reason why I should not attempt to achieve it, especially with my age now.

My legs too have problems supporting my body’s weight. A walk around One Utama shopping center proved to be a hurting experience on my thighs and feet. One of my friends Pei had the same problem, she became an ally in reminding me the importance of losing my excess baggage or I would have to spend cash weekly for foot reflexology. It was a stark realization that my jogging plans rests heavily on a strong, fit pair of legs.

Exercise itself was a tormenting experience. I strutted around just four rounds around the park and ended up with tired and sore legs for four days in which I walked like a zombie. The fat just would not go away. The bulge wishes to make my stomach its home. I am increasingly frustrated with the knowledge that at my 30 plus age my metabolism is slowing down. My quest to get rid of the unwanted pounds looks increasingly impossible.

I am now tempted to go vegetarian. Since diet pills do not help and even make matters worse, I am resigned to taking extra virgin olive oil with bread for meals as my husband recommended. And in my attempt to quit smoking, I do know that statistically I am going to gain at least a few kg once cigarettes no longer control of my life. But at least drinking only two times a week helps. But my mind still ponders on how to get that slim body.

Yes, I do admit my obsession to lose weight is due my ego and my insane addiction to self-image. I had lost the opportunity to own a killer female body back in my younger days when I was tied down to being a boy. I already have a female looking face, but it is rough all over with pimple scars. My body, with its hidden feminine shape and silky smooth skin is all I have. But I hope to achieve the nice body along with my health intact.


CrackerLilo said...

I hope you feel good in your body. Unfortunately, that's one thing us genetic women suffer all the time--we never entirely get to feel good about our bodies. *hug*

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