Monday, September 24, 2007

The Direction.

I felt I have lost a bit of direction after going through the past half year. And I am also going through a period of depression. I have seen off worse circumstances in my life but the stigma, discrimination and prejudice is really getting to me. Thus far, the only thing that is running positively is my activism, education and information work in regards to LGT issues. I lost Ch'ng, Malaysia, because of his commitments; but to my surprise got Kennikoh and Ratwoodies, from Australia, in return. Even on that, there seems to be a conflict in me, because many of my friends across the United States would wish the T would be separated from the LG in what I am doing.

As for jobs, I have gone through the worse spell in my life. Five jobs have come to passed since I regretfully left the only job I feel at home and at peace with at a frame shop / gallery at Sunway / Kota Kemuning, Selangor, Malaysia. I have never changed jobs so often before, but one way or the other, I am not secure in them. Even the community work I am doing now, bears a lot of discomfort for me, even though my MTF sisters are around. On most of the five jobs I have been pushed away by ignorance, some of the bosses may like me but the workers do not. Sometimes, the bosses are the problem themselves, at first they really tried to accept me; but in the end, their bigotry got in their way. It seems I am an easy meat to be sliced off, because it is always the transsexual's fault.

The problem with my case would be my inability to work in certain jobs. I have done two bar jobs of the five I mentioned, but realised I am no longer a person interested in drinking myself drunk every night for the sake of entertaining customers. Somehow or rather, be it my moral self or the hormonal therapy I am going through, I really need to get myself fit again. On the other three, which are full time jobs, I faced tremendous pressure from my bosses and some of my colleagues, it seems there is one rule for me and another rule for the rest of the organization.

I am no longer the person I was because of my abysmal situations, from strong I became weak. My drive for perfection is gone and seemed to be buried beneath the years of turmoil. My parents in Ipoh, already are unable to accept the daughter of a son they conceived. My finances are still at a fix. I know I need to get out of Malaysia or I may die here. And I know too I need to be more passable and prettier in order to survive. But to do so, I need money. So where am I going to get it?

I guess most of my depressed state comes from the fact I feel like I am now, a nobody. I used to be someone when I transitioned in my earlier days, even though all that is thanks to my ex-boyfriend who gave me that position. I used to enjoy a nice warm bed in a big room with clean sheets and cool scent. I used to revel in socializing among higher circles of people. I had almost 50 pairs of comfortable shoes to wear and tons of dresses. I lost all that, after I left this abusive boyfriend of mine. My mind ponders, should I have stayed with him? Maybe through all the physical and emotional torture I have to go through, at least I would not be suffering as I am now. I loved the champagne life, but had it ruined me? A fate for the future be shaped based on past experiences?

Now in my continued and on turbo mode of transition, I am facing a life alone. No one to give me the security, finances and comfort. No one to support me. I am learning to be independent in the worse possible manner at the worse possible time. But I badly need one opportunity, just one, to make the world around me a better place. It is a shame, but I will be taking a huge risk soon. But I owe it to myself to take care of me, so even though it will place me in a more compromising position I must do it. I hope I survive every each obstacle a stronger person. What I want for the time being is simple, to make tomorrow better than today. Perhaps that, would give me some peace.

What should I do next, perhaps if I should stop asking that question I could move forward. I need to cease the day, and do all I can to live. Even if it means I go full time on escort duty. Positive thinking? Okay, I will get out of this hole. I will take care of me. And I will continue to come of age. I need to get back to where I belong. Desire, Discipline and Determination, the 3D's I always failed to practise. Perhaps it is time to discover slowly, the adventures unfolding before me.

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