When we started praying, things kind of got uncomfortable when (T) continuously refer to me as 'him' more than 'her' and then cried as if I am doing something very bad. And the basis of his prayer is that I have been 'away' from God far too long. I quickly woke up from prayer and read Romans 14. Something is wrong. In fact, for all my 'not trying hard enough' accusations, I even had an interview and went to KL after I visited them in the shop. And I even got the job.
I felt sometimes conversations between me, (G) and (T) are always about playing catch. They expect me to know 'the answer' without telling me. Most of the conversations are also in the wrong frequencey, and I found what they say irrelevant to me as a person.
Today I had sms conversation with (T), just to confirm my suspicion. This is how it goes:
T: [God makes choices. ] If we want to work with Him and have His
blessings, we must accept His ways. If we trully love Him, we will love what He
choose to love. When we choose to humble ourselves and persist in seeking God's
will, the Lord calls that 'Great Faith' ,and He rewards it.
T: Matthew 6 : 33 James 4 : 2-3
Me: Motives are examined. I want only what would give me pleasure? Does not
apply. Something is not right. I hope you be honest is there expectations on me?
Please.
T : What is right? What is not right? Seek the Lord, because He says, "I am
the Way , the Truth and The Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.
"God bless u with His love, joy and peace.
Me: It is confusing me. I tried very hard to know what (G) was saying when
he said I did not try hard enough to look for jobs, when I did. You said the job
in KL may not be God's will. The job is mine. Why so? Has it got anything to do
with the fact I am a girl by default? Please be direct. I am lost.
T: [God makes choices. ] If we want to work with Him and have His
blessings, we must accept His ways. If we trully love Him, we will love what He
choose to love. When we choose to humble ourselves and persist in seeking God's
will, the Lord calls that 'Great Faith' ,and He rewards it.
Me: You and (G) believe me as a girl is not part of God's plan for me, and
that you still bear the faith that God would bless me if I pretend as a boy?
Correct?
There had been no answers from (T) until now. The silence from him speaks a thousand words. It is sad that people would choose to love me into changing to something they love me to change into, in the name of God.
There was a day I went to (G)'s shop handled by (T) wearing long jeans. (T) seemed to be happy seeing me wearing it. To him, a slight change of dress code is a sign of change to redemption. I know I look weird, but he says I look good. But I did mention to him clearly whatever I wear I am still a girl. I wonder if (T) understands it.
Seeking God as a comfort zone to our own sense of insecurity over differences we sometimes could not accept is something I find tragic. And the tragedy for me is that they are the very people I respect and love in my life. That is why I choose to be non Christian identified and just keep my relationship with God personal. In the eyes of people around me, wearing a skirt means I am against God. In my Father's eyes however, I already know for certain that whatever I look, or wear, I am His daughter on earth, and His spirit in heaven. In this I have peace.
'i put no stock in religion. I hv seen lunacy of fanatics of every denomination be called the will of God. Holiness is in right action n courage on behalf of those who can't defend themselves. N goodness - what God desires - is here (head) n here (heart). By what u decide to do everyday, u will be a good man or not' quote fr "kingdom of heaven'
(The last sms I sent to (T) today. And it is still left unreplied. Really feeling at odds because they are my friends.)
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